


Find It, Fix It

by tayeah



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Ash and Gary are 19yo, Deep stuff, Depression, Eventual Sex, F/M, Gary smokes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Regret, Sayda Island, angsty Gary, based on anime events, not the average palletshipping fluff piece, researcher Gary, such as the Silver Conference, was that a spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 08:50:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4013368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tayeah/pseuds/tayeah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gary is working as a researcher on Sayda Island, but everything’s not going as great as it could. Something’s missing – or maybe it’s someone. Sometimes you just have to get fixed. And it’s not always in the way you’d think.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Restless

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic has been in careful progress for so long that part of my soul must be sealed in it by now. I've never been as attached to a fic before as I am to this one. Comments on the chapters and/or the whole thing would be gold.
> 
> I've put a lot of thought on taking the actual anime content into account (referring to such things as Silver Conference, combining both canon events and my own additions). Gary isn't portrayed as an angsty person in the anime, and Ash isn't a specifically terrific comforter, but I've tried to make them both as IC as possible (taking into account that they both are 19 and have matured). More info about their aging [here](http://tayeah.blogspot.fi/2014/06/about-aging-in-find-it-fix-it-storyline.html).
> 
> If you don’t know/remember what is Sayda Island and who are Dora, Jared and Crystal, I’d suggest you go and watch a Pokémon Chronicles episode called “Putting the Air Back in Aerodactyl”. If you can’t, well, Sayda is the home of Sayda Lab, the place where Gary went to work as a researcher after he quit being a trainer. It’s located in Kanto region. Dora and Jared are Gary's co-workers and Crystal is Dora's little sister.

Gary didn’t know if the sea was actually more restless than usual – or if it was just his mind. The waves ran towards the shore and some greyish clouds were wandering at the sky, but you couldn’t tell if it was storm coming up or just the sea being its normal, untamable self. The sea he had learnt to love.

He was sitting on the platform on the northern end of the island, watching closely for any peculiar movement. This was the day he had been waiting for, several months and each long night, even if he didn’t know what he was waiting for. And even though Dora was optimistically sure this would ease up the stressed boy’s mind, Gary himself wasn’t so sure.

Dora had asked if there was something bothering him. He had reacted like a jerk, snapped back as if Dora had purposely offended him. Dora hadn’t cared. “You don’t care about your job anymore”, she had said. “Or your life. You’ve lost your spark. You eat like less than Crystal does. All you do is smoke.”

Gary still felt a sense of irrational quilt when that sentence came into his mind. He had feared Dora would send him away, kick him out of the lab for being too weak. But she had told him to sit down and talk.

So Gary had done so. His memories, his past adventures as an admired Pokémon trainer, the feeling of loss – all that flooded out of his mouth and he couldn’t do anything about it. Dora had sat and listened as Gary spoke about the things that had been slowly choking him inside. It had been so long since he had quit training and started researching. He couldn’t believe how painful, yet so important the memories felt. Each victory. The overwhelming feeling of power. All the special persons he had met. They were gone now and even though Gary loved his job, Sayda had lost its glory. It didn’t feel like home anymore. Something was missing.

Dora had given him time and a new cup of coffee every now and then. Gary couldn’t be more thankful. As friendly and warm person Dora was, she was still his boss, and it was comforting to notice she didn’t deny or judge Gary’s feelings or tell him to simply get a hold of himself. Only time Dora made clear she disagreed with him was when Gary had said he didn’t do anything meaningful as a researcher. But still – Gary had no better words for it; he just felt nothing anymore.

“Why do you think your past is all gone?” Dora had asked. “Take it back. You obviously need to clear some things up to be able to live in the moment. You don’t have to go all the way back to your earlier life, but you can have what you need. Invite him here.”

Gary had fallen in silence for the shock. Him? Where had she gotten that idea from?

Then he had thought about it again. Maybe. It couldn’t make anything worse, could it?

“You need to stop burning bridges, Gary”, Dora had said softly. “Start building new ones.”

Now, after weeks and weeks of uninvited dreams and painful nostalgia, he saw a boat coming closer. He had tried to make the invitation sound casual, as if it wasn’t really that important if the visit wasn’t going to happen. But there it was; a boat. It was just a small spot on the horizon, but he got up.

 _But maybe this isn’t going to solve anything_ , he thought. _Maybe we’ll just be poking the Beedrill’s nest for no reason. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be here._

He squinted his eyes, gaze glued on the boat moving smoothly towards him. Could it be?

His disbelief mixed with a tiny bit of enthusiasm. _But still. He’s coming._

The boat grew bigger and bigger and soon Gary could see black hair being shuffled by the wind, hand pressed against a cap to prevent it from flying off. Gary swallowed. His mouth was dry.

The boat driver, a nice man from the mainland harbor, slowed down and steered the boat towards the platform. As it stopped, the passenger and his Pikachu jumped up to the platform. The driver waved his hand, withdrew the boat and drove off – leaving the arriver there, permanently. 

He was there. Oh God, he was finally there, and suddenly Gary didn’t know what to do. How did people greet their childhood mate-slash-enemy-slash-fellow trainer-slash-friend after over a year? How did people even use their bodies, how did they form words?

“Hi, Gary”, the brown eyed boy said. The sea wind almost stole the cap from his head.  
_How do people breathe?_

“Hi, Ash”, Gary managed to say. “And hello, Pikachu.”  
His voice was dry and quiet. He cleared up his throat and frowned.

Then they just stared at each other for a moment, not knowing what to do next. Pikachu sat on his hind legs and tilted his head questioningly.

“Man, you should try sleeping”, Ash finally said, with a weak hint of smile on his face. His voice was lower than Gary had remembered. “You don’t look too healthy.”

For some reason, those words woke Gary up. He couldn’t help stepping forward and catching Ash into a hug. Ash hugged him back, tightly, tighter than Gary’s grip. It felt soothing. Gary felt like he was torn apart.  
Or on the other hand, fixed.

“Long time no see, Ashy-boy”, Gary said against the other boy’s neck. He was surprised to hear a faint smile in his own voice.  
“Yeah”, Ash responded with a weirdly hoarse voice. “Seriously, how long has it been?”  
“Four hundred and fifty-seven days”, Gary answered without hesitation.  
The black-haired boy looked at Gary in confusion as they let go of each other.  
“Or something”, Gary grunted carelessly, without looking at Ash in the eyes. He turned away and began walking off the platform, towards the house. Ash followed without saying anything. Pikachu ran past Gary and went off to explore the path.

“So… How has it been here?” Ash finally asked as they walked.  
“Pretty good”, Gary said. He was happy to talk about something not-so-intimate, like work. “I guess grandpa has told you about the Aerodactyl we brought to life?”  
“Yeah, it sounds awesome!” Ash replied in excitement. “Can I see it?”  
“At one point or another”, Gary said. Ash’s eagerness sounded so familiar he had to smirk. “I think Dora and Crystal want to meet you first. It’s kind of a big deal to have you here…”

Gary fell silent and his smirk died.  
Ash raised his eyebrows. “How come?”  
Gary refused to look at him. “Well, it’s lonely here on the island. We rarely invite people here. Just to keep the Pokémon safe and undisturbed, you know.”  
“Oh.”

They walked in silence until they reached the house, where the two girls were standing on the porch waiting for them.  
“Hey! Finally!” yelled the little girl, running towards them cheerfully. “So you are Ash, huh? My name is Crystal. I’ve heard a lot about you, you know!”  
“Oh, really?” Ash laughed, shaking hands with the excited 10-year-old. “I hope it’s not all bad.”  
“No it isn’t”, said Crystal. “He told you’re a great trainer and that’s why I’m so excited to meet you, and he said you’re a person that has done so much good and worked hard and –”  
“Calm down, Crys”, said the older girl. “Don’t scare our guest.”  
Ash didn’t get a chance to hear all that Gary had said about him. Still, he threw a suspicious glance at Gary. “I’m not sure if you’ve bribed her so that she wouldn’t tell what you’ve really said about me.”  
Gary sneered. “You’ll never know.”

“So, welcome, Ash!” Dora came closer and shook hands with Ash. “I’m Dora. Crystal is my little sister. She’s a bit over energetic, but please don’t care about it.”  
“It’s not a bad thing”, Ash noted. “Nice to meet you.”  
“Oh wow, a Pikachu!” screamed Crystal. “It’s so cute! Can I play with it?”

Ash got no time to even consider about his options, because the electric rat ran straight to Crystal’s arms and cuddled her.

As Crystal and Pikachu run off together, Ash looked around. “Hey Gary, where’s your Umbreon?”  
“Somewhere with Jared, I think”, said Gary. “They’re probably taking care of Aerodactyl. Umbreon really gets along with Aero.”  
“Who’s Jared?”  
“He’s my subordinate. Older than me, though. He’s really been a big help.”

Ash just nodded. Gary wondered if he saw something that wasn’t really there or could it be that the look on Ash’s face was just a bit chillier than before. 

Why hadn’t he said anything?

_Would there be jealousy in his voice if he did?_

They all just stood there in silence. Ash kept staring at him.  
“He’s Dora’s boyfriend”, he suddenly heard himself saying.  
“Oh”, both Ash and Dora said in unison.

Gary felt stupid, so very stupid for thinking Ash might be jealous and ending up blurting out something like that. Still, he gave Dora a warning look anyway. Thank God she understood.

“Yeah, um, I think I’ll go find Jared now”, she said cheerfully. “I’ll keep an eye on Crystal, too, so you don’t have to worry about Pikachu. Enjoy your visit, Ash!”

Gary led Ash inside to the house, upstairs and to the guest room. “You can leave all your stuff here. My room is the next one. Crystal’s room is the last one in the hallway. Dora and Jared live downstairs. Tell us if you need anything. And…” Gary paused. “Just… make yourself at home.”  
Ash smiled. “Sure.”

The smile made Gary somewhat dizzy.  
He turned away. Planning to leave Ash alone to sort out his stuff, Gary walked away.

On the doorway he stopped, back towards the black haired boy. “Oh, and Ash…”  
“Yeah?”  
“Thanks for… coming here.”  
Ash sounded surprised as he answered: “Well, thanks for inviting me. I hope I’m not bothering you at your work.”  
“You aren’t.”

Gary left the room. He needed a cigarette.

A few minutes later Gary rested his back against the house’s outer wall, holding a cigarette between his lips. He watched as Dora walked from the woods to him.  
“Could you please explain to me”, she started with a demanding tone, “why in the world must I act like Jared is my boyfriend?”  
Gary breathed the smoke out, took the cigarette between his fingers and shrugged. “I just felt like it.”  
“Why on earth? It’s awkward for both me and Jared.”  
Gary said nothing.

Dora sighed and sat down on the stairs. “Well, I told Jared and he was as confused as I am for hearing he could somehow make your boyfriend jealous about you.”  
Gary inhaled the smoke in a wrong way and coughed. “He’s _not_ my boyfriend.”  
“Wasn’t it about jealousness, then?”  
Gary glanced inside the house to see if Ash was near. He wasn’t. “No clue”, Gary grunted. “And it doesn’t matter. I just don’t want him to get involved in anything like that.”  
“Would it be the worst thing in the world if he _was_ a little bit jealous? Wouldn’t it be a good thing?”  
Gary scowled at Dora. “Stop that.”  
“If it’s not about him being jealous, then what is your point here?”

Gary sighed angrily. “Look, it’s not that simple, okay? There’s nothing going on and I honestly don’t know why I said it.”

Dora didn’t comment anything on that. After a moment of silence she asked carefully: “How does it feel?”  
Gary shook off the ashes from the tip of the cigarette. “What?”  
“That he’s here”, Dora said softly.  
“I don’t know. How should it feel?”  
Dora sighed. “Gary, I haven’t seen you smile in ages. Actually, ever since professor Oak was here and reminded you about Ash, you’ve been moody and absent-minded. And when you finally told me what’s going on, I couldn’t help noticing most of your problems were somehow connected to him. There’s stuff you two need to figure out. And now he’s here – because he wanted to come. I just thought it would make you a little bit happier.”

Gary forced his eyes to close. Damn sensitivity. He wouldn’t let a single tear come out. Dora’s words hurt him, but he wouldn’t allow himself to show it. He knew she was right, he knew he wasn’t being his normal self. He just wasn’t going to admit he was being plain emotional and dependent on someone.

“I am happy”, Gary said.  
“You still don’t smile too much”, Dora replied, got up and went inside.

Nearly at the same moment, Ash came out. “Oh, here you are. I didn’t know you smoke.”

Gary looked at Ash, whose eyes were just as bright and curious as they always used to be – but now there was more experience and intelligence within. Ash had grown.

“Not very often”, Gary said.

Ash sat down to the very same spot Dora had sat on. He looked around and noted: “It’s beautiful here.”  
Gary nodded. “Yeah, it’s perfect for Pokémon.”  
“Not bad for people, either”, said Ash.  
“It’s lonely. We hardly go to the mainland and the other islands to do some shopping.”  
“Still, I think this kind of life would be interesting.”

Gary turned his head slightly and let his eyes rest on that curious, worriless face full of life. _Stay then. Stay here._  
“You couldn’t handle it. You’re an adventurer, you can’t stay in one place”, Gary said bluntly.  
“You were exactly the same.”

Gary didn’t have time to answer, as his cigarette had come to its end and suddenly burned his fingers.  
“Damn”, he growled, stepping on the still burning cigarette he had accidentally dropped.  
“What happened?”  
“Just burned my fingers, that’s all.” Gary sighed. “I should concentrate on what I do, even if it’s just smoking…”

Ash’s face told he was surprised. No wonder; Gary knew what he was thinking and it annoyed him. He used to be so calm, self-assured, controlled and arrogant. Now all those traits were replaced by embarrassing lack of self-control and concentration. Ash had grown, but Gary felt like he himself was just suffering a setback.

He decided not to care and just lit another cigarette.

“Didn’t you just say you don’t smoke too often?” Ash asked, with a hint of amusement in his voice.  
Gary forced himself to grin. “This is for the memory of the last one.”  
Ash laughed.

The laughter run through Gary’s veins and sent shivers down his spine.

*

Hours took the sun down from the sky and made people tired. At least Crystal, who had spent a lot of energy playing with Pikachu and introducing the island’s Pokémon to Ash. Gary hadn’t had to speak much. Ash, of course, had been excited. Gary had kept a small distance from the rest of the group; he had wanted to be alone for a moment but still be able to watch his friends talking and laughing.

Now Dora and Crystal were arguing about the younger girl’s bedtime, while Ash, Gary and Jared sat on the living-room couch. Gary was a bit nervous about Jared’s presence. He didn’t want the guy to say anything about the jealousy thing. Luckily Dora had seemed to tell Jared to keep quiet about it, because Jared and Ash were engaged in a deep conversation about Sayda Island and their research.

“Finally!” Dora gasped as she came downstairs after putting Crystal to sleep. “I’m tired to death.”  
“Go to sleep, then”, Jared simply said.  
Dora looked at him, with a sudden realization on her face. “Y-yeah. You come with me?”  
The exactly same expression appeared onto Jared’s face. “Um… Yeah. I-I’ll come.”  
Gary held his laughter. He almost enjoyed what he had caused with his little lie.

When Dora and Jared had gone to Dora’s room, Gary stood up. “I’m going out. Go to sleep if you’re tired.”  
“What are you going out for?” asked Ash.  
“No reason”, said Gary. “I don’t feel tired yet.”  
“Me neither”, Ash said, standing up. “I’ll come with you. I think we have a lot to talk about.”

They walked to the shore side by side, talking lightly now that the awkwardness of them meeting each other had started to wear down. The sea was now calm. A perfect picture of the full moon was mirrored on the water surface.  
“How ironic”, Gary mumbled.  
“What?”  
“The full moon.”  
Ash stared at Gary. “Uh. Yeah. You remember the –”  
“Yes.”

Gary didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to make this a casual, relaxing vacation for Ash, not make it become troublesome and embarrassing. No matter how much Gary kind of loved the memory of the last time they had watched the full moon together, he also hated it. Or at least wanted to hate it.

“Gary?” Ash spoke, sounding troubled. “Why did you actually invite me here?”

Gary was sure his heart stopped for a second. Then it started to race wildly. Well, why had he done it? Because his boss had told him so? Because he was feeling down? What had Ash to do with that?

“I don’t know.”  
Ash sneered. “You don’t know?”  
“I really don’t”, sighed Gary. “I guess… I was lonely. And Dora wanted to meet you.”  
“Why did she want to meet me?” Ash asked curiously.  
Gary swallowed. “I… I’ve told her a bit about you.”

Ash waited for him to continue.

“You’ve done a great job as a trainer, that is”, Gary added.  
Ash smiled. “Oh, wow, praise from you? Thanks! I admire what you’ve done as a researcher.”  
Gary forced himself to give a small smile. He really couldn’t care less about researching right now. It just wasn’t enough for him. But right now, he was simply glad Ash didn’t ask for a deeper answer.

“By the way”, Ash interrupted Gary’s thoughts. “How long are you planning to have me here?”  
“I don’t know. Stay as long as you want. There isn’t anything special going on here right now.” Gary sighed. “Dora will be satisfied if I have a break from work. She says I’m nearing a burnout or something.”  
“Sounds like the perfectionist Gary Oak I used to know”, Ash grinned. “Anyway, I’m prepared for about five days or so. We had just arrived to Northern Sinnoh when you invited me. Brock and Dawn are staying at Snowpoint City inn as long as I’m here.”  
“That’s fine.”

Actually, five pity days with this boy sounded more than fine after four hundred and fifty-seven days without him.


	2. Listless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“What could Ash do to help it? Nothing. It wasn’t like another human being could just come and solve all his problems._  
>  But still, he was there, and he was everything Gary had remembered he was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It pains me to write about sad Gary. ;__;

It wasn’t a whole new thing that Gary couldn’t get to sleep. It had been like this for long – hours of lying awake, thinking too much, getting up and sitting on the windowsill, watching the sleeping island. Then trying to sleep, getting caught up on his own thoughts and repeating it all. Whether it was his own fault for letting his body get used to staying up until first marks of sunrise started to show, he wasn’t sure anymore. Simply going to sleep and staying asleep just wasn’t an option anymore. He either had to concentrate on working in the middle of the night or get drowned in thoughts he’d never admit he thought of.

Like, in this case, the boy in the room next door.

Gary was pleased to have Ash here. He really was. He just didn’t totally believe it would change his work motivation or general mood. This weird, overpowering apathy had come to Gary’s head and decided to stay in there, not planning to let go anytime soon – and he had just accepted it and gotten used to it. He didn’t really need to know the real reasons to his feelings. He preferred not to care.

During his whole researcher career, he had never been as self-assured as he had been as a trainer. This job was nothing like his earlier life had been. No more journeys through all those new, exciting places, battling with other tough trainers, earning their respect and, altogether, living so _free_.

This was way more complicated. Way more serious. Gary felt like he had become an adult in one night after the decision to stop being a trainer. It was as if he had thrown his childhood and teen years away in one bold movement. Maybe it had been a wrong decision. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to grow up so fast.

But in the other hand, there wasn’t an alternative. All that had happened in the Silver Conference, his feeling of panic, all that had happened on the first months of not being a trainer – he couldn’t just pretend it wasn’t true. He had had to wake up and learn about consequences and how big influence a human could have on another. Especially when said human treated the other one badly.

This wasn’t just about memories about people he had met during his adventures. Not even if they mainly focused on a single boy. The depression, as Dora had called it, was caused by his actions and experiences.

What could Ash do to help it? Nothing. It wasn’t like another human being could just come and solve all his problems.

But still, he was there, and he was everything Gary had remembered he was. Every trait in Ash was as it used to be; if something had changed in him, it was just that he had become even more dependable, powerful, cheerful…

_And beautiful._

“I am weak”, Gary whispered to himself. He felt like choking in self-detest.

_Beautiful._

The word didn’t let him sleep before dawn.

*

After a few hours of sleep, Gary was sitting behind the kitchen table, being forcefully stared by Dora. The young woman had a serious expression on her face.  
“Did you even _try_ to sleep?” she asked.  
Gary nodded. Then he sighed, slammed his head against the table and let it rest there.  
“Oh, Gary”, Dora shook her head. “What are we going to do with you?”

Gary stayed in his exhausted position, listening to the sounds of Dora cooking breakfast, until he heard Jared coming to the kitchen. Gary lifted his head when he realized Dora and Jared didn’t say good morning to each other.

“Where did you sleep?” he asked, looking closely at Jared.  
Jared blinked. “Umm… With Dora.”  
“I wonder why”, Dora said sharply.  
A small, vicious grin appeared on Gary’s face. “Was it fun?”  
“Uh, you know we didn’t –”  
“Don’t even imagine!” Dora cut them both off, her tone more than serious. “We’re keeping up the image of our sweet little relationship just for your sake.”  
“And it was horrible”, Jared added. “Dora kept hoarding the blanket and kicking me.”  
“I did not! Besides, blame Gary for wanting to lie to Ash.”  
“It wasn’t just any lie”, Gary protested, not wanting to let go of his amusement.  
Both Dora and Jared gave him a completely annoyed look. Dora sighed. “So you think it’s alright? Just to keep Ash from being jealous?”  
“It wasn’t just that, I –”  
“Then what’s the point?”

Gary grinned slyly as he looked at his two blue-haired friends with eye glasses and the very same expression on their faces. “I do actually think you’d make a good couple. You’re very similar in a way.”  
“No we aren’t!” both Jared and Dora shouted.  
Gary snickered. “How close to each other did you sleep? Under the same blanket, I hear?”  
Dora blushed. “Maybe you should keep your mind on your own relationships, now that you have someone around.”

Gary’s smile died. Indeed, what did he have? A visitor – an old friend he shared some pity little memories with. What was going on?

The silence kept growing longer and longer, until Gary heard footsteps from the stairs. He turned his head and saw Pikachu jumping down the stairs, followed by Ash, who had seemingly woken up just a minute ago. His eyes were hazy and he lifted his hand to mess up his already muddled hair.  
“Morning”, he yawned.

Gary didn’t know how long he had already stared at the boy before he managed to tear his eyes off him. He hated himself for such sickeningly sappy thoughts, but half-sleeping Ash was pretty much the most adorable sight he had seen in a long time.

Ash sat down to the table next to Gary. Dora came to give him breakfast immediately.  
“Whoa, this is awesome”, Ash laughed.  
“Did you sleep well?” Dora asked in a friendly manner.  
“Yeah, great, thanks. Pikachu woke me up; he’s excited to explore the island.”  
“We could go greet more Pokémon today”, Jared noted. “We didn’t have enough time to show Aerodactyl to you yesterday, but the night is young.”  
“It’s not night, it’s morning”, Dora pointed out.  
“Exactly!” Jared smirked widely. “So, do you want to meet ol’ Aero?”  
Ash nodded. “I thought you’d never ask!”  
“You can let your Pokémon move freely on the island, too. There sure is space.”

As Ash ate his breakfast and while chatting with Jared and Dora, Gary sat quietly and stared at his empty coffee mug. Few last drops of coffee had already dried on the bottom of it.

Ash stretched his arms after he was finished. “This sure is luxury! I haven’t eaten breakfast like this in ages.”  
“Haven’t you been home?” Dora asked. “I heard your mom lives in Pallet Town.”  
“Yeah, she does. I just haven’t been there for a long time now.”  
“Do you miss home?”  
Ash shrugged carelessly. “Not really. I’ve just kept moving. I like it that way. Thanks a lot for the food, Dora.”  
“No problem”, smiled the woman.

Ash got up and went out to let his Pokémon out of their poké balls, followed by Jared. Gary didn’t leave the table. He felt Dora’s stinging gaze on him and glanced at her.  
“What?” he asked, his voice defensive already.  
Dora sighed. “Did you notice you didn’t say a single word when he was in the kitchen?”  
“So? You three seemed to have enough stuff to talk about.”  
“You should at least speak to him”, Dora said. “Try to behave normally with him.”  
Dora’s gentle tone of speaking only irritated Gary more. “It’s not your business.”  
“I’m just trying to help, Gary.”  
“You’re not helping me by ordering me around”, Gary snapped and got up. “Thanks for the food.”

Gary left the kitchen as Jared came back inside. Ash had gone to the platform to greet a friendly Lapras who had swum nearer. Gary didn’t follow him. He just walked to the forest, to the direction of the lab.

Jared and Dora watched through the window as Gary marched away. Then they looked at each other and Dora sighed in frustration.  
“I’m trying to help him but I just don’t know what to say to him”, she moaned. “In one moment he seems grateful and then he turns angry on the next.”  
Jared sat down, still looking at Dora. “I’m not very aware of what’s going on in here.”  
“Gary’s not doing well, but he doesn’t admit it. He’s totally locked up in himself.”  
“Yeah, even I have noticed something”, Jared nodded. “I have sure figured out Gary’s not okay, but I have no clue why. Also, does Ash’s visit have something to do with it?”  
Dora stayed silent for a while. Then he sighed again. “I shouldn’t be talking behind Gary’s back. It’s nobody’s business but his after all, he’s right about that.”

Dora slumped on the kitchen chair next to Jared. “I’m just slowly starting to feel like I need to release my mind, too. It’s hard to know a friend is in trouble and not be able to help him or talk about it to anyone else.”  
“I’m not asking you to gossip”, Jared said quietly.  
“I know.”

Dora fell in her thoughts for a while. Eventually, she spoke up.  
“Gary hasn’t told me everything about Ash, I just know it”, she said. “There must be a secret… They haven’t been able to get over something.”  
“Isn’t Ash a friend of Gary’s?”  
“Yes. Gary told me they were best friends when they were kids. But they drifted apart as they became rivals.”  
“Rivals? What do you mean?”  
“They are both so competitive and aiming to be the best”, Dora smiled sadly. “They started to compete against each other. It became ugly.”  
“So that’s what they have to sort out?”  
“No, I don’t think that’s all. He told me they started to get along better as they grew older.”  
“Oh? So they became friends again, after all?”  
Dora nodded. “But that can’t be the whole story. Something happened. It was obviously hard for Gary to talk about it.”

Jared stayed quiet.

“I think…” Dora whispered. She looked at Jared, gaze begging him to keep a secret. “At some point or another, they weren’t just friends.”  
“Oh”, Jared could only say.

They sat in silence. Dora watched as Ash walked back from the seashore, following Pikachu, who was aiming to the forest where Gary had disappeared in.

“I thought it would be a good idea to invite Ash here, but Gary doesn’t seem any better”, Dora said, frustration in her voice.  
“Give him time”, Jared said softly, leaned forward and stroked Dora’s hair soothingly.  
It took Dora a few seconds to realize the situation they were in. She looked up at Jared, confusion on her face. “Umm, Jared? I appreciate your concern, but…”

Jared quickly pulled his hand off. “Umm. Uh. Yeah. So, what do you think about the circumstances now? Is he in love? I mean”, he stuttered a bit, “Gary. Is he still in love with this boy?”  
“Who knows?” Dora shook his head. “It sure looks like that to me. The point is, does he understand it himself?”

*

Gary let his eyes follow the blue football that was kicked around the field. Crystal caught up with the ball and kicked it recklessly, not being able to help his enthusiasm and ending up sending the ball across the field, in the totally wrong direction. The girl only seemed to get more and more energetic with every kick and ran after the ball.

“Go get it, Crys!” Ash cheered. “Pass it here!”

Crystal kicked. The ball went in a crooked direction again, but Ash ran to catch it and started to move it towards Jared. Jared missed his chance as a goalkeeper on purpose.  
“Gooooal!” Crystal screamed and ran to do a high-five with Ash.

Gary searched for his pockets just to realize he had left is pack of cigarettes in the house. He leaned back, put his back against a huge tree on the shadiest side of the grass field and put his eyes back on the game.

“Who’s the keeper now?” Crystal shouted as Jared imitated fainting next to the goal to express his loss of energy.  
“How about Gary? He hasn’t played at all”, Ash said looking at Gary, out of breath, smirk on his face.  
Gary shook his head. “I’m enjoying my life over here, thank you.”  
“Spoilsport!” Crystal yelled, but didn’t actually seem to care at all.

Ash, on the other hand, threw a glance at Gary. Gary didn’t have too many seconds to read the other boy’s emotion before Crystal told Ash to be the goalkeeper, but he thought he had seemed a little disappointed.

_Great. I really am a spoilsport._

Dora came from the house, stopped on the field smiling and cheered for Crystal, who was performing her most tactical goal possible. Ash let the goal happen, acting totally overwhelmed by Crystal’s football skills.

With Crystal’s screams of joy on the background, Dora walked towards Gary and asked: “Why aren’t you playing?”  
“I don’t feel like running around.”  
“Gary. It’s fun. Just go.”  
“Why don’t you go yourself”, snapped Gary, annoyance rising its head again.

The ball interrupted them, rolling towards their location. Dora caught it and threw it back to Crystal.

“I’m fine on my own”, Gary said, before Dora had time to say anything. “Just go now.”

Dora sighed and walked away from him.

*

_I knew it. This is a bad decision after all._

Gary sat down on the seashore and pressed his head against his knees.

_Very bad decision._

He stayed like that for a long time. When his neck started to ache, he lay down on the sand and watched the sea and the rising moon. He tried not to think about anything. For the whole day, he had kept telling himself it wasn’t a big deal, but now he really felt ashamed. Disappointed. Angry.

Why was it so hard to act natural? Why had he avoided Ash all day, snapped at Dora when she tried to ease him up, stayed alone? The day before had been so different. Yesterday he had talked with Ash and felt it was not easy, but still a good thing to do. What was the problem now?

 _Problem_ , he thought. He knew he wouldn’t admit it to Dora, but he did have a problem with himself today. _Why can’t I just behave and make Ash’s visit enjoyable? Why must I fight everything?_

Every time the wind pushed the tree branches or the sand, making the slightest noise, he turned his head expecting to see someone come.

Expecting to see Ash.

No-one came.


	3. Sleepless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Why did you stop being a trainer?” “I just felt so.” “Why?” “Is it really any of your business? It’s my life we’re talking about, not yours.” “Well, it affected my life in a way.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The earlier Aerodactyl they mention is seen in the episode 46, “Attack of the Prehistoric Pokémon”, on the first season of Pokémon anime.  
> Also, I kind of have mixed feeling about Gary; I hate it when things happen too fast, but as he is a shilly-shally person who doesn’t know what he wants, it’s kind of inevitable.

“Responsibility? What do you mean, taking responsibility?”

The woman in front of Gary put her hands on her hips and looked at him like a mother ready to lecture her misbehaving son. “You haven’t been too friendly with him, you know.”  
“I’ve never actually been very friendly with him”, Gary mumbled, looking away, pretending to look for the remote control on the living-room couch. He knew that wasn’t an explanation for anything. Yes, he had been a jackass before, but did he have to continue that way?

“He is your guest”, Dora said, stretching every word. She aimed for sounding patient and emphatic, but it didn’t work perfectly; no matter what Dora tried to sound like, she still looked cranky. “The first evening was okay and then you stopped trying. I understand it’s hard for you, but you can’t keep behaving like this.”  
“Hhmm.”  
“What have you even done for his sake this far? Jared, Crystal and I have kept company for him.”  
“I gave him a chance to get to know you guys better?” Gary suggested, not even bothering to try and be serious.  
“You’ve avoided him”, Dora said. “I thought you had manners.”

Gary still didn’t look at Dora, but had stopped acting as if he wasn’t listening. Anger kept growing inside him. Not only because Dora was standing there and blaming him for all the things he had done and left undone – but because he knew she was absolutely right.

“I know I’m an idiot”, Gary simply said, his voice empty and cold.

Dora sighed and sat down on the couch next to him. Her eyes were suddenly sad. “I don’t mean to make you feel that way. It’s not like you can’t still do something.”  
Gary didn’t respond.  
“Are you going to do something to make it up?” Dora asked softly.  
Gary snarled. “I guess I have to. You won’t let me be if I don’t, will you?”  
Dora smiled. “See? Not an idiot talking. I know you can do this, G. Just let people help you.”  
“Help with what?” Irritation started to build up in Gary’s head again. “I don’t need help. Especially from _him_ , if that’s what you’re saying.”  
“I meant me”, Dora said. “I’ll be there for you, but you need to get a hold of yourself first. And when it comes to Ash… It’s not about helping. It’s about both of you trying to sort things out and see what the situation is.” Dora paused. “And he tries, I know that. Just… let him get closer to you. You’ve been hiding.”

Gary glared at Dora, not getting her point at all. Dora just smiled sadly.

“And I know you want to do something right now to make it up”, Dora added in a very determined manner. “Not because I told you so, but for him. And for yourself.”

Gary got up. “I… um…”  
“Go tell him it’s breakfast time”, Dora ended his sentence. “That’s a start.”

So he walked out of the room, climbed up the stairs, went straight to Ash’s door and knocked, not allowing himself to stop and hesitate. He was ashamed and it felt like a choking lump in his throat, but it was no use hiding, as Dora had said.

He heard small rustling, Pikachu’s curious voice, some sleepy mumbling and dragging footsteps. The door opened.

“Hm, hi, Gary. What time is it?”

If Gary was barely prepared to meet Ash’s eyes and try his best to compensate for his earlier behavior with all the hospitality he had in him, he definitely wasn’t prepared for this. Ash’s eyes were sleepy and glimmering, his untamed hair was falling on his face – and he was very much shirtless, pajama pants hanging low on his hips.

Gary’s eyes lingered over the smooth hipbones for a fleeting second. He gasped for air lightly, very lightly.

_Way too beautif—_

_No._

“Breakfast is ready”, Gary forced himself to say.

Ash rubbed his eyes to wake up properly. Gary’s gaze was caught on every single little movement of his muscles.

“Come downstairs when you’re ready”, Gary grunted, tore his eyes away from Ash and turned around.

“Gary, wait a sec.”

Gary froze. That was it. He had been way too obvious, way too impudent. Ash had noticed his stare. How uncomfortable must it feel having a supposed-to-be-friend staring at your half-naked body… It’s inexcusable. It’s dirty.

Gary almost blurted out an apology already, but then Ash continued: “You didn’t tell me the time.”

When Gary got back to the kitchen a minute later, he felt ridiculous to say the least. Not for the first time, he missed his former boldness and arrogance. The real Gary would never have apologized in a situation like this. The real Gary would’ve used teasing to make it embarrassing for Ash, not him.

 _The real Gary wouldn’t have even stared at all_ , he told himself. But he wasn’t sure about it.

*

After breakfast, Gary stood up, ready to go feed the island’s pokémon.  
“Why don’t you go along, Ash?” asked Dora. Gary threw a quick glance at her. She looked back and Gary knew what her expression meant.  
“Yeah”, Gary added. “You’d meet Aerodactyl, too.”  
“Sure”, Ash said cheerfully. “I want to help you guys out. And besides, that Aerodactyl fascinates me.”  
“Even after the last time you spent with an Aerodactyl?” Gary grinned. “The one that existed before mine?”  
Ash blushed a little. “Oh, right. You were there.”  
“Damn right I was, and haven’t forgotten. You were hilarious.”  
“You weren’t much wiser yourself! You and your gold digger spirit!” Ash laughed.  
“Okay, okay. We were both dumb.”

The two boys left the kitchen. Dora watched from the window as they walked from the house towards the woods, deeply engaged in the conversation about fossil pokémon and their experiences with them, Pikachu and Umbreon leaping beside them. She smiled on her own.

“What are you smiling for, all alone?”

Dora turned away and saw Jared leaning against the kitchen door frame.  
“It just makes me happy to see Gary getting better”, she explained. “They have always been in each other’s lives. It’s nice to see they’re still friends after all.”  
“Yeah, it really doesn’t look like they have been rivals once”, Jared admitted.  
“If what professor Oak told me when he visited here is true, they were horrible kids”, sneered Dora. “I almost couldn’t believe the professor when he talked about it. Our sweet hard-working Gary! Imagine him being a bully.”  
Jared laughed. “He does have temperament.”  
Dora nodded. “It’s easier to believe now, though. I can see why they’ve been at each other’s throats. They both have strong characters. They have been through one hell of a stormy friendship. But I think they’ve both grown a lot because of each other… They’ve become adults under each other’s influence.”

Jared stayed in silence. Dora looked at him questioningly. “Do my words make any sense?”  
“Yeah”, Jared said. “I was just thinking that you’re pretty amazing.”

Dora blushed and quickly started putting the empty plates on the washing machine. “Whatever you mean by that.”

“You’re kind. And considerate. You’re Gary’s boss, but you see him as more of a friend.” Jared smiled. “You care a lot for other people. That’s what makes you amazing.”

*

Ash’s excitement somehow made Gary feel good too. He found himself rambling about everything related to the life on the island; successes, failures, unfinished projects and goals ahead. Sometimes he even bragged like he was used to, though it was more like joking now. Ash listened carefully for each word and seemed to be genuinely interested in them.

Gary felt much better than the day before, but one thing kept troubling him. When Ash complimented Sayda, when he asked questions about it, when he showed astonishment – every time Gary thought about how he wanted to have let Ash learn about those things; live it, not just tell about it. The echo in his head kept repeating _‘stay’_. _Stay here._

Thank God he was used to keep his thoughts to himself.

But they still scared him.

*

“What do you say – how does swimming sound to you guys?” Jared asked, giving up the chase after the blue football. He leant his hands against his knees and tried to catch his breath.  
“Definitely yes”, said Dora, wiping off the sweat on her forehead. “I’m all worn out. Where on earth do you get your energy from, Crys?”  
The little girl didn’t even listen. She was already running to get her swimsuit.

Gary left his goalkeeper spot and started walking towards the house with the others. “It would truly be nice to cool off a bit. Acting like a bad goalkeeper is unbelievably tiring.”  
“Acting”, Ash stung playfully.  
“Acting”, Gary repeated sternly, using the same tone he had always used when he wanted to irritate Ash. Only now it was clear he wasn’t serious.

When the rest of them got to the shore, Crystal was already knee-deep in the sea with her swimming ring that was designed to look like a Lapras. “Come on, you slowpokes!”  
“Hold it a little, Crystal”, Gary laughed. “You’re such and ADHD kid.”  
“What’s an ADHD?”  
Gary rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t matter. Stop splashing! I don’t want to get wet.”  
“Isn’t it kind of the point of swimming?” Ash smirked.  
“Hey, you there. Piss off.”  
Jared laughed while walking into the water. “I’m proud of you, Gary. You’re so unbelievably mature.”  
“That’s right, keep it going”, said Ash.  
“Actually that goes for both of you.”

Both Gary and Ash turned their heads and looked at Jared with offended expressions on their faces.  
“I am mature!” Ash yelled.  
“And I’m at least more mature than him”, added Gary.

Jared glanced at Dora. “What was it that you said about their relationship? They’ve grown adults together?”  
Dora smiled. “Forget the whole conversation.”  
Ash sneered as he threw his t-shirt on the sand. “Well, to the point then.”

Gary took his shirt off a lot slower. His mind was circling around Jared and Dora’s words. He had no clue what they had talked about them, so the word relationship alerted him. Dora didn’t know everything about Gary’s past with Ash. She couldn’t have meant the wrong kind of matureness, could she?

Umbreon and Pikachu snapped him out of his thoughts by running enthusiastically after Ash. Gary walked to the water, watching as his most precious pokémon got used to the sensation of water. Pikachu climbed up to his usual place on the boy’s shoulder.

Gary’s gaze got stuck on Ash. The wind and the earlier football game had caused his black hair to mess up in a very familiar way. His skin was slightly tanned. When looking at his body, it was easy to see the boy spent his days moving from place to place and seeing the world. He had definitely gotten more muscular since the last time Gary had seen him.

Gary himself was almost an opposite of all that. He had mostly stayed indoors a lot for the last months and had gotten a little pale. Being used to travelling around and staying in shape easily, it hadn’t really occurred to him he had to do additional work-out to compensate the stationary lifestyle. He wasn’t totally out of shape but he knew he wasn’t the same as he was before. The smoking wasn’t helping.

Yet another reason to miss the road.

“Gary, come on already!” Crystal shouted.

Gary smiled a little. Right now he decided to just enjoy the sun, the sea and the people around him. There’d be plenty of time for bathing in the memories later.

*

The moon was laughing at him, he was sure about it. It had just risen above the opposite island and colored the sky and the sea with silvery shades. Gary couldn’t tear his eyes from the view, but his thoughts were somewhere else. Somewhere long, long time ago.

Gary knew he was the guilty one. He had built up pressure. He had pushed them both to the breaking point. Gary had never let it show but it had been a breaking point to him, too. He was at fault for everything they had been through.

And not just that. After one breaking point had been reached, there were others to come. Sometimes it seemed like his own life was dealing with one mess after another.

Suddenly someone sat down next to him. “What’s up?”  
Gary snapped out of his thoughts. “Ash? What are you doing here?”  
“Same as you.” Ash smirked. “So, why are _you_ here?”

Gary stared at him for a second, then put his emotionless mask up again and looked away carelessly. “Nothing special. I didn’t feel like sleeping.”  
“You’re quite a nocturnal.”  
Gary sneered. “You have no idea.”  
“I can see it clearly in your face, you know”, Ash noted. “You should really get more sleep.”  
“I can take care of myself, thank you.”  
“Can you?”

It sounded like Ash hadn’t really thought about what he was going to say and just let it slip, but it still affected Gary. He glanced at the other boy, frowning. “Of course I can.”  
Ash studied his face, but didn’t say anything. Gary had a feeling he had a lot to say.

“I’m perfectly fine and you better know it”, Gary said in an aggressive tone. “I don’t need your advices.”  
He waited for Ash to act as an echo for his irritation, but the boy still didn’t say anything.

Then, suddenly, there was a weird sad smile on Ash’s face. “I’ve kind of missed that nasty attitude of yours.”

And there they were again – Gary didn’t know what to say and felt the weakest remains of his stubborn attitude wither away. 

“Why did you stop being a trainer?” Ash suddenly asked. Gary couldn’t figure out his tone.  
“I just felt so”, he said listlessly and turned away from Ash.  
“Why?”  
“Is it really any of your business? It’s my life we’re talking about, not yours.”  
“Well, it affected my life in a way”, said Ash. 

Now Gary recognized the strange tone in the other boy’s voice. It was anger.

“I know that the life on this island is awesome, but I still don’t get it”, Ash continued. “You were supposed to be the best. You were supposed to be my eternal rival. You were always annoying me in a way that made me break my limits and try harder. I couldn’t have done half the things I did as a trainer if I hadn’t had that rage in me. You doubted me and I wanted to prove you wrong.” 

Ash’s eyes were glowing with frustration now that he could finally speak out his mind. “No matter what happened, no matter how utterly infuriating it was to put up with you, I wanted you to be there. Always being the better one.”

Gary couldn’t look at Ash. Not even a smallest glance.

“Then you just… gave up”, Ash said, his voice a lot more quiet now. “You just stopped being one of the best trainers I had ever battled against and went to do something else. Dude, what kind of a decision is that?”  
“I didn’t give up”, Gary said. His voice was almost non-audible.  
Ash didn’t listen. “For a while, I hated you for that. I mean, really hated. You took away one of my goals, just like that. I’ve been so fucking angry at you.”

Gary swallowed. There was a sudden burning sensation behind his eyes. He tried to force the feeling away.

“Now I just want to know why”, Ash said. “Sayda is so cool and your research is awesome, but you’re not even enjoying it. You lack all your energy. Why did you stop if that only made you unhappy? Why did you disappear?”  
“I don’t know”, Gary said weakly. “I really don’t.”  
“You’ve always been impossible to read”, Ash kept going, now with a lowered voice. “You made me hate you and then turned it all upside down. I guess you were just playing. You play with everyone, right?”  
“Stop it.”  
“After all the years I’ve known you, I still don’t know which side of you is the real Gary. Are you really that difficult person or is it me who’s gone mad now?”

Gary forced himself to face Ash with desperate expression. “Look, I don’t know a shit about myself either, okay? I don’t know who I am, or who I was – I just talked and acted like whatever I felt like and didn’t think about it that much. I just lived and now I’ve gotten myself tangled in my own life.”

Ash’s face turned a little frightened. Gary didn’t feel pity. “I’d really like to be able to tell you if I’m a good guy or a total bastard, but I have no clue which one I am. I don’t want to lie anymore, so deal with this. I can’t tell you anything you don’t already know.”

Only now did Gary realize there were tears running down his cheeks. He wiped them away angrily. “I’m so fucking weak nowadays.”

“It’s okay”, Ash spoke quietly. He looked completely disarmed. “I… Everything’s going to be better sooner or later.”

Gary snorted scornfully. “Yeah, right.”

There was a long, awkward silence between them. Gary slowly calmed down. He knew he had put Ash in a difficult position – the boy wasn’t the smoothest talker in the world and definitely didn’t know what to say in a situation like this. But in the other hand, Ash had practically begged for problems. And as unwilling Gary was to admit it, Ash had really upset him.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing with myself”, he finally whispered with a choked voice.  
“It’s okay”, Ash said again.

Gary didn’t really think of what he was doing when he sighed and laid his head on Ash’s shoulder. He didn’t care. Ash leant back and allowed his weight on his shoulder, as if he really didn’t mind. As if he was happy to support him.

“Yeah”, Gary said slowly. “It’s okay.”

He really wanted to believe that.

*

Once they got back to the house, Ash followed Gary into his room without asking. Gary didn’t mind; he needed company right now. Half of the time they just sat on the different edges of Gary’s bed in complete silence. Old memories and new questions came up every now and then, but between the conversations there were only deep thoughts and the sound of breathing.

Pikachu had curled up on the bed and was now asleep. Ash lay on his back and petted his partner gently.

Gary thought about Dora’s words from the same morning. He hadn’t understood her meaning. Now, when he looked at Ash, safely in the darkness, it slowly started to make sense.

_It’s not about helping. It’s about both of you trying to sort things out and see what the situation is._

_Just… let him get closer to you._

Ash wasn’t here to help him with his problems. He was just here. And they could find the real Gary again, if he let them.

For a moment Gary felt anxious. But didn’t that mean he was being helped? Was he this weak?

“Ash?” he whispered.  
“Mmm?”  
“Are you awake?”  
“Mmm.”  
Gary smiled silently. 

“Good night.”  
“Mm-night.”

Ash didn’t even seem to realize he was falling asleep in Gary’s bed. And Gary – well, he didn’t want to realize it. It was warm and silent, yet for once the room didn’t feel too big and empty for him. Ash’s and Pikachu’s calm and steady breathing made Gary feel drowsy. Strange. He hadn’t felt tired for a long, long time.

So he finally let himself fall in peaceful, deep sleep.


	4. Coverless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you regret it?”  
> “Regret what?”  
> “Do you regret… what we did that time?”

Gary slipped out of his dream because of an over-energetic knock on his door.  
  
“Gary! Get up already, breakfast is waiting!”  
  
He slowly opened his eyes, just a little bit at a time. He saw fabrics; his dark colored sheets, pillow and a blanket. But there was also something unfamiliar; a piece of white cotton, which was actually tightly in Gary’s grip, being a victim of unintentional fondling.  
  
It was a t-shirt. And it was not so unfamiliar after all.  
  
Gary snapped out of his absent thoughts and tore himself away from a black-haired boy sleeping next to him. He stared at him, heart pounding. Ash had woken up, too, but he was still sleepy. The boy ruffled his hair, seemingly unsure of how he should act in the weird situation.  
  
“Umm, good morning”, Ash said quietly.

Without an answer, Gary jumped off the bed, feeling ashamed. He quickly turned away and concentrated on finding his coat. This couldn’t be happening. Last evening felt far, far away – they had been watching the moon and talking, and then – what the hell? Just how was it in any way reasonable to end up like this?

He remembered thinking that Ash was going to fall asleep in his bed and deciding not to care. Now the decision felt ridiculous and irresponsible. And how could’ve he let himself cuddle up to Ash like that?

“Gary?” Dora called again through the door. “Did you hear me?”  
“Yeah”, Gary said with a loud voice. “I’m coming.”  
“All right. And oh, would you please wake Ash up when you’re coming down?”  
Gary froze for about a second. Then he realized Dora probably didn’t know Ash wasn’t sleeping in the guest room. “Y-yeah”, he said, “okay.”

He heard Dora going back downstairs and leaving the two of them alone in the middle of a deep, overwhelming silence.

“Well”, Ash mumbled, “breakfast it is, then.”

Gary didn’t answer. Ash looked at him carefully and saw that his cheeks were pale.

“Gary?”  
“Mmm”, Gary said suddenly. “You’re right.”

Ash went ahead but Gary tried to lag behind as much as he could. He didn’t want to give Dora any wrong ideas. But when he finally went downstairs, one quick glance at Dora was enough to tell him she had already noticed something was not like usually.

“Um”, she started. Gary stared at him, his gaze either begging or telling her to stay quiet about the question she clearly was going to ask.

She got the clue. “So, today we’re going to go to the neighbor island and do some shopping. Do you guys want to come with us?”  
“Yeah, sure”, Gary said. Anything to keep the silence away from the room.  
“Great. Both me and Jared have some stuff to do before we can go, so there’s no hurry”, Dora said. “With this many pairs of hands to carry the shopping bags, we’re going to have a feast this evening!”

*

As soon as the boat was moored, Crystal was already on the platform. “Come on! I want to get to the market square and find the salesman who was selling plush toys last week. I want to see if he’s got a Pikachu plushie. Pikachu is so cute!”  
Pikachu squeaked for approval and jumped off the boat to climb on Crystal’s shoulder.  
“Looks like I’m not needed anymore”, Ash laughed at Pikachu, who tilted his head and looked like he was laughing.

Jared secured the boat and they wandered to the market area. Dora took the leader’s position and sent each of them to gather the needed ingredients and supplies. It took a while and Gary had time to loiter between booths and avoid talking to anyone. He was still a bit shaken about the start of his day.

When most of the needed things were gathered, they all met up in the middle of the market area. Dora went through her shopping list once again.

“Gary, could you come over here for a bit?” Jared called quietly.  
His demeanor made Gary automatically glance around to see if they were able to talk privately. Dora was concentrating on the list and Crystal was meters away with Ash, looking at a particularly toy-filled booth, where Pikachu was pretending to blend in with the plushies. “Yeah?”  
“Don’t make a fuss about this”, Jared said quickly. “But I need you to take the shopping bags and go ahead in advance. Oh, and take Ash and Crystal with you. We’ll come after in a bit.”  
Gary frowned. “Why?”  
“Uh, I”, Jared laughed nervously, “I guess you could say I could use a bit of _boyfriend-girlfriend_ time.”  
“You don’t have to take the act that far.”  
“Yeah, I know – I just, kind of… want to.”

Gary stared at him. Then his mouth gaped open. “You _want_ to be alone with Dora.”  
“Uh, heh… Yeah.”  
“You _want_ to be her boyfriend?”  
“Sssh! It’s not like that. I mean, I just think she’s… cool, you know?”  
“Yeah, right”, Gary chuckled. Jared gave him a light punch on the shoulder.

Gary parted with Jared, got Ash and Crystal with him and went to the boat. When Crystal announced she would rather be playing on the shore with Pikachu than standing on the boat, realization hit him. He would have to be alone with Ash for an unspecified length of time. _Great._

Gary put the bags down to the boat floor and dug a newly bought pack cigarettes up from his pocket. “We could also hang on the harbor terrace and have something to drink if you want to”, he said, lighting a smoke. Not once did he glance at Ash.

“No, I’m fine”, Ash said. “It’s a sunny day but the wind keeps us cool, so why bother.”

They were silent for a long time, probably several minutes, just waiting. Gary glanced at Ash. An odd, quiet smile was placed on the other boy’s lips while he watched the ocean, the sea wind wrenching his hair. Somehow he looked like he had a secret to keep.

“How’s it been here?” Gary asked just to end the silence. “Are you having a good time?”  
“Sure”, Ash said.

Even more pressing silence fell. Neither of them could come up with anything else to say. Gary decided to concentrate on his smoke. He watched the cigarette slowly getting shorter, the spark glowing closer and closer to the filter.

“When did you start smoking?” Ash suddenly asked.

Gary thought about it a bit. It had been a while after his career change. Living in Sinnoh region, meeting new people, learning new habits. Ironic. The reason why he was still putting his body under distress was actually a person who had put him under distress at that time.

“Are my habits really that interesting?” Gary asked back to avoid telling Ash about that era.  
“No, it’s just – weird, I guess”, said Ash. “Isn’t it bad for your health?”  
“Of course it is”, Gary shrugged, “but it’s not like I’d have to be a prime shape trainer anymore.”  
“So it doesn’t matter if a researcher is in bad shape?” Ash sneered.  
“Excuse me?” Gary looked at him, with the old arrogant expression on his face. “I’d beat you anytime.”  
“I didn’t mean you’re in a bad shape”, Ash laughed. “It just looks to me like you don’t care so much about yourself as you did before. Is it because of the research? Aren’t you overdoing it?”  
Gary turned his back away from Ash. “Whatever. As long as there are results.”  
“Are you going to stay here forever? In Sayda Island?”  
“No”, Gary blurted out of habit, before he really had time to think about it.

To be completely honest, he had no idea anymore. Some time ago he had thought of Sayda Island as just a passage point in his career, but somewhere along the way it had turned more complicated than that. Sayda was a hideout from all that he had left behind. Did he really want to go back? Would he have to? He didn’t have a place he could call a home.

“Let me try”, he heard a voice, snapping him out of his thoughts.  
“Huh?”  
“Let me try smoking”, Ash insisted, eyes sparkling with curiosity. “I’ve never done it.”  
“You shouldn’t”, Gary said harshly. “It the stupidest thing I do.”  
“I thought you knew stupid things are my specialty”, Ash smirked. “I want to see myself what the point of it is.”

Gary shook his head slightly when he passed the cigarette to Ash, who took it carefully between his fingers like he had seen Gary do. “Like this?”  
“Hn”, Gary nodded.  
Ash brought the smoke on his lips, then sucked cautiously. The taste made him grimace. “Ew.”  
“C’mon, that wasn’t even a real puff”, Gary had to comment. “Inhale after you suck. It should go to your lungs.”  
Ash tried to follow his instructions and coughed immediately. “Jeez, this is horrible.”

Gary laughed a little – not to tease, but out of amusement. “It takes time.”  
“I just don’t get the point of that”, Ash shook his head. He leaned forward to pass the cigarette back to Gary. Just when Gary was going to take it, Ash locked his gaze on him.

“Among with many other things”, the boy added.  
Gary avoided the intense eye contact and took a puff of the cigarette. “What are you talking about?”

Ash stayed quiet for a while. For a second Gary thought there really wasn’t anything in particular that the other wanted to talk about, but then he talked again.

“You could’ve invited anyone. A friend. Our relationship has never been too rosy.”

Gary decided he now officially hated the word ‘relationship’. “Hm.”

Ash inhaled and exhaled deeply, inhaled again, and said the next sentence as if it weighted a ton. “I’d like to… clear some things up.”  
“Is there really anything to clear up?” Gary said; it wasn’t a question. He clearly meant it as a clue to shut up, but Ash didn’t care.  
“When you changed”, the boy started an obviously long train of thought, “I mean – you stopped being a total jerk to me and sometimes even acted nice towards me. Your attitude changed. Well, it did go back again though, and you were cold, but then you were friendly again – uh… Damn.” Ash looked at Gary, looking for help, but Gary didn’t help him out a bit. He just stared at the sea.

“There were changes, all right.” Ash took another deep breath. “And the biggest changes were around Silver Conference.”

Still no response.

“Hmm?”  
“Hm.”  
“So you agree?”  
“Hmh.”

Ash sighed audibly in frustration, but Gary didn’t want to give in. He didn’t want to encourage this conversation.

“This is hard”, Ash stated, seemingly trying to stay calm. “These kinds of conversations aren’t my thing. Or yours, I know. But I need to know.” Pause. “Is it because of what happened there?”

Gary froze for a millisecond. There were millions of possibilities to what Ash was talking about, but Gary already knew what it really was.  
“What do you mean?” Gary grunted to buy time.  
“You do know what.”

They both were awkwardly quiet for a moment. Gary wanted to escape this situation. Ash was interrogating him about something that had happened almost four years ago on a whim, under the influence of confused teenage hormones and battle adrenaline. Just because Gary had felt this weird feverish need to try out some new levels on the game neither of them had ever noticed they were playing.

“I’m just confused how everything’s changed.” Ash was avoiding eye contact now too.  
“It has nothing to do with the Silver Conference.”  
Ash didn’t answer.  
Now Gary couldn’t bear the silence. “It was an eternity ago, Ash. Why are you even bringing that up? Why does it even matter?”  
“That’s what I’d like to know. I have a feeling that it matters.”

Yet another heavy silence.

“I first thought it was nothing”, Ash said, sounding honest. “I mean, I was confused but you seemed so normal, like nothing had happened; I thought that was how we were supposed to be. Normal. But…” The rest was whispered so quietly that it was hard to hear it. “I’m not sure anymore. Did it change things after all?”

There was a rush in Gary’s ears; his blood was running too fast. No matter how he tried to escape the thought, it caught up to him. Memory of moving without thinking. Hasty, uncontrolled touches. Grass under skin.

Ash lifted his head and Gary was forced to look him into the eyes.  
“Do you regret it?” Ash asked. No tone of voice, no emotion. Just a question.  
“Regret what?” Gary grunted stubbornly.  
“Do you regret…” Ash repeated, the words being obviously hard to say, “– what we did that time?”

Now it felt like all of Gary’s blood was frozen still. He shivered and turned to stare at the deck of the ship, resorting to a counter question. “Do you?”  
“Yes.”

Gary would never admit it, but that simple, immediate answer made something inside him hurt. Hurt like hell.

But it wasn’t the whole answer. “And then… no.”

Gary lifted his gaze from the deck cautiously. When he did so, all he could comprehend was that Ash was suddenly closer – not much, probably just an inch. Gary told his thoughts not to run about it, but it made no effect.

Ash took a careful step, then another, closely studying Gary’s face during all of his slightest movements. Just a few footsteps, light like a Persian’s, and there was only one foot left.

Gary had no use for lungs. He knew the other boy’s body language. He could tell what he was doing. And now Ash just stood there waiting, asking, and his eyes were still that damn deep brown.

As Gary leaned slightly forward, he absently noted that Ash was still shorter than him.

“Ash! Hey, Ash! Look at what Pikachu found on the beach! Look!” The sudden child’s voice and the sound of someone running on the platform cut through both of their minds. 

Gary pulled himself away instinctively and turned his back. He heard Crystal making her presence clear by cheerful babbling. Gary couldn’t bring himself to look at either Ash or Crystal, let alone take part in their conversation. Ash talked back to her, using the soft tone that was natural with kids. Sounding totally calm.

Then why did Gary’s head throb like this?

This thoughts run wildly again, over and over. He was suddenly filled with fear. That had been too close. Too close to something that was a clear mistake. Too close to something he had decided he would never do again. 

Gary brought the cigarette to his lips, only to realize the spark was dead. He threw the smoke to the sea and reached his pockets to light up a new one, but stopped in the middle of his movements. His head was spinning. Another smoke would probably make him sick.

Something hurt.

*

“Okay, you’ve been Mister Moody since the boat ride. You’ve better tell me what’s wrong already.”

Gary didn’t look at Dora, who stood next to the stove, hands on her hips. He just kept slicing the ingredients for salad.

“Gary”, Dora said with determination in her voice. “What happened on the boat before we came from the markets?”  
“Nothing”, Gary grunted.  
“C’mon, G.”  
“Did you ask me here to help you cook so that you could just interrogate me?”  
“Actually, yeah, I did. Now while I got the whole crew to go check the pokémon, we have a good chance to talk.”  
“I don’t want to talk.”  
“Did something happen between you and Ash?”  
“I said I don’t want to talk.”  
“Did you guys fight?” Dora’s persistence didn’t flinch.  
Gary exhaled loudly in frustration. “Won’t you please just let me finish this goddamn salad?”

Dora shrugged and turned back towards the stove.

“Besides, I imagine there were more interesting things happening in the market square”, Gary changed the subject when Dora didn’t continue the conversation. “You and Jared being there all alone…”  
Dora sneered at him. “Don’t you start! It was a coincidence.”  
“No it wasn’t.”  
Dora’s expression turned into a more serious one. “What?”  
“You guys getting alone. It wasn’t a coincidence”, Gary stated, looking at Dora. Didn’t she know? “Didn’t Jared tell you that?”  
“I – I didn’t ask”, Dora said, hesitation in her voice. “He… just wanted to buy me something…” 

Her voice just faded away as she stared at Gary, realization building in her mind.

“Your sauce is going to get burned”, Gary grunted.

Dora snapped out of her thoughts and started to stir the sauce fiercely.

They remained in silence for a while. Gary kept slicing the vegetables without looking up, even when he sensed that Dora’s movements slowed down and she turned to look at him.

“Okay, so maybe he purposely wanted to be alone with me”, Dora said. “It doesn’t mean there’s something going on.”

Gary didn’t answer.

“Gary?”

“You two have really gotten along well recently”, Gary said emotionlessly.  
Dora looked at a loss what to do. “What do you mean?”  
“It’s cool”, Gary shrugged. “After all, it was me who started to hint towards it in the first place.”  
“We’re not dating or anything.”  
“It’d be fine if you were, really.” But he couldn’t help feeling a faint sting of jealousy in his chest. And he knew that Dora, being sharp-eyed and emphatic, didn’t miss the smallest signs of it.

“Gary, can’t you please just tell me what’s wrong?” Dora asked, sounding quite desperate now. “What is it about me and Jared that bothers you so much?”  
Gary shook his head, persistently continuing the slicing. “It doesn’t bother me. I’ll be just fine alone.”

“So that’s what it is.” Dora’s voice softened. “No-one’s going to abandon you.”  
Gary put the finished pieces of lettuce into the salad bowl. “Pass me the onion, please.”  
“Did you hear me, Gary? You’ll never be alone.”  
“The onion.”  
Dora quietly passed him the asked item. “You can talk to me. You know it.”  
“Why do you keep implying I can’t handle things alone?”  
Dora smiled sadly. “It’s Ash, isn’t it?”

Gary almost cut his fingers.

“ _What_ are you talking about?” he scowled at Dora.  
“Did something happen?” Dora asked once again, ignoring the counter-question. “Today, I mean.”  
“Stop asking that. Nothing happened.”  
“I’m not going to stop until you tell me.”  
“I’m holding a knife, you now.”  
“You seemed upset. And Ash was all gloomy, too.”

Gary stopped his movements, standing still for a while, without making eye contact with Dora. “He was?”  
“Didn’t you pay attention? You were both so quiet it felt like a funeral there. Ash exchanged a few words with Jared, out of politeness, I think. But he didn’t really seem to want to talk. And you didn’t say a single word.”

Uninvited memories flashed in Gary’s mind, even though he tried not to think about it; Ash’s words, his silent voice, the raised chin and the asking eyes.  
“ _Is it because of what happened there?_ ”

No. No. No.  
_Yes._

Gary suddenly realized his eyes were leaking. He quickly raised his arm and swept his cheeks.  
“The onion gets in my eyes”, he said hoarsely.

Dora had enough. She put down the ladle, walked to Gary, turned him to face her and without pausing, wrapped her arms around the boy. She didn’t say anything for a while, she just kept holding on to the boy, hugging him so tightly it almost hurt.

“I’m okay, Dora”, Gary grunted. “Let me go. Your food is getting burned again.”  
“No. I don’t care.”  
“Let _go_ ”, he almost shouted.  
“No!” Dora shouted back. “Idiot. No-one’s letting you go. Don’t you dare ever forget that!”

Gary didn’t know what to say. The damn tears didn’t seem to stop coming out. It was annoying. And annoyance caused more tears to pour.

“I don’t know if you can fix things with Ash, but I’m here”, Dora said. “I’m here, Jared is here, Crystal and your grandfather and all the pokémon are here for you. Whatever happens…”

“With this rate, Ash won’t be”, Gary heard himself saying. “I’m messing it all up again.”  
Dora let her grip loosen a little, but didn’t let go. “So it _is_ Ash.”  
Gary said nothing.  
“Talk to him”, Dora said, again with a soft voice.  
“We barely mentioned anything and we already ended up like this. I shouldn’t make it worse.”  
“Talk to him”, repeated Dora, “properly. I know you’re afraid, but still.”  
“It isn’t something you can just go and have a nice little chat about”, Gary said in distress. “I just want to forget it.”  
“Forget what?”

Gary closed his eyes.  
“That I lost”, he whispered.

Now Dora’s grip was suddenly very, very light, as if he could break if she touched him too toughly. She watched as Gary tried to breathe. “Lost what?”

Gary opened his eyes, but his gaze was blank.

“Control”, he said without emotion.

*

Once again Gary lay awake in his bed at the evening, staring at the ceiling. It was almost midnight; the clock ticking sounded fiercer than normally, but Gary’s own thoughts were even more loud.

“ _I’d like to… clear some things up._ ”

What would it change? Gary just wanted to forget everything. He just wanted to live on.

“ _I thought that was how we were supposed to be. Normal. But… I’m not sure anymore. Did it change things after all?_ ”

Everything was normal. At least Gary had told himself so for a long time now. But he knew he tended to lie about a lot of things to himself.

“ _Do you regret what we did that time?_ ”  
“ _Do you?_ ”  
“ _Yes. And then… no._ ”

“What the hell does that even mean”, Gary whispered to the ceiling.

After just a few more silent seconds, there was a knock on Gary’s door. He sat up just to see the knocker come in without waiting for a permission, closing the door and just standing there, black hair falling over his eyes.

“I think we have something to talk about”, Ash said with a steady voice.

 _No_ , Gary’s head screamed.

“Yeah”, he said.


	5. Breathless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Can you finally tell me, what the fuck is this ‘I-randomly-kiss-my-rivals’ thing that has become your signature move?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A monstrously long chapter? Where?

Gary sat on his bed, watching as Ash tried to find the words to start with. The boy was still hiding behind his hair, fingers twitching nervously. Gary didn’t want to admit his own pulse had sped up notably.  
”There’s something that’s bothering you”, Ash finally said. ”Has bothered for a while now, according to Dora. She said something to me...”  
”What did she say?” Gary asked immediately.  
”I, uh. Nothing in detail. She just... said you’ve been a little down or something”, Ash stumbled on his words, looking honestly at loss of what to say. ”I had figured our there was something, since you were a little more – introverted? Sensitive? – than I’m used to see you being.”  
”I am not sensitive”, Gary said feistily. ”Dora is a woman, of course she’s all about feelings. But she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

Ash uttered an awkward laugh and scratched his head. ”Yeah. Uh, anyway. I don’t know what to do.” He looked carefully at Gary. ”I have a feeling Dora is hoping I’d do something, but jeez, I have no idea how to make it better.”  
”You don’t have to do anything”, Gary scowled. ”Forget what Dora says. I didn’t invite you here to therapize me.”  
”I’m not trying to do so”, Ash claimed. ”But as I am here now, we might as well get rid of the things that trouble me as well.”

A brief moment of silence followed. Gary stared at the wall behind Ash. Ash stared at the floor.

”I’m tired of this”, Ash sighed at last. He raised his head and looked Gary in the eyes. ”Can you please just tell me what’s going on?”  
”Could you specify a bit?” Gary still avoided questions with prickly counterattacks.  
Ash sneered. ”I tried to talk about it already the other day. Why did you stop being a trainer?”  
”Why do you like to jabber about it so much?”  
”Answer me”, Ash’s voice was becoming angrier. ”If it’s so goddamn depressing, then why did you change your career at all? You had everything as a trainer. You could’ve been the best.”  
”Isn’t that your goal?”  
”I had the image it was yours too”, said Ash. ”We both aimed for it.”  
”It was just time for me to leave. I lost my status. That’s it.”  
Ash stared at him. ”What do you mean, ‘lost your status’?”  
Gary sighed and glanced at him bluntly, carelessly. ”Didn’t you already say it yourself? I was supposed to be your rival. Doesn’t that mean that now that you finally beat me, I’m no longer necessary? You should be happy. You won.”  
”I don’t... think so”, Ash mumbled, all confused and wide-eyed. ”I only beat you at Silver Conference. We have battled after that. You’re still better than me.”

Gary looked away. He knew that normally, he would have acted arrogant and agreed on being a better trainer than Ash, but he couldn’t. Confusion was slowly turning into aggravation and he was starting to get worried that if he opened his mouth, he would say something he’d regret. Something that would give away his fears.

”What makes the battle at the Silver Conference so special?” Ash asked. ”Why do you think it matters so much?”  
”I didn’t just lose to you, I lost to myself, too”, Gary blurted out.

Silence fell once again. Gary felt frustrated. Part of him felt like he really didn’t want to say anything anymore, because he had already said too much, but another part was getting too fed up to stay quiet anymore. Ash annoyed him. Talking at all annoyed him. Knowing that Dora had said something to Ash annoyed him. But most of all, he was angry at himself. Why _was_ he so annoyed? Why did he react so strongly, when all he had to do was make Ash believe that everything was alright?

”I don’t understand”, Ash said with a small voice.  
Gary gritted his teeth. ”I’m getting a headache.”  
”I just want to help –”  
” _Shut up._ ”

Ash stared at him. Gary was trying to keep calm, to gather the last drops of his composure. He knew he was running out of it. He hoped that Ash would just understand and leave him alone, or change the subject, anything.

”Right now, you’re not the Gary I once knew.”

The limit was reached. ”I hate this, Ash!” Gary shouted. ”I hate this! You’re driving me crazy! Of course I’m not the same person. Of course I’ve changed. Can you just stop blaming me for that?”

*

Downstairs on the living room couch, Jared startled. ”You hear that?”  
”What?” Dora asked back, eyes glued on the TV screen.  
”It’s Gary.”  
”Yeah, Gary and Ash are probably talking about something”, Dora said lightly.  
Jared frowned. ”Talking? Gary’s yelling.” He glanced at the direction of the stairs with a worried expression on his face. ”Should I go and check that they’re okay?”  
”No”, Dora said quickly. ”They’re fine.”  
”Are you sure?” asked Jared. ”I have rarely heard Gary yelling.”  
”They appear to have that effect on each other naturally”, Dora laughed and gave him a reassuring smile. ”They’re both temperamental boys. Let them sort it out their way.”  
Jared relaxed against the back of the coach again.

*

Gary’s sudden outburst caught Ash off guard. ”I – I don’t –”

”I lost to you. I quit being a trainer. I got far enough. That’s it! Why do you insist that I should just swell in my past?”  
”Because the past is important!”  
”I was barely fifteen. _Barely fifteen._ That’s not an age when people do things of much importance.”  
”Are you saying you _didn’t_ love training? And battling?”  
”Love is the last word I’d take into this conversation”, Gary spat. ”I haven’t made too many great decisions based on love.”

Ash fell in silence. He had no idea how to react to that.

Gary concentrated on breathing for a while. His rage was still waving inside of him, but he tried to force it down.

”I worked in Sinnoh for a while before I came here”, Gary said, more because he decided it would help him avoid the wrong questions and less because he actually wanted to talk about it. His calm voice sounded weirdly empty after the outburst from mere seconds ago. ”And around my sixteenth birthday, I met a girl. Romy. She was a trainer, too, but she wasn’t too into becoming a champion. She just liked to hang out with her Weavile and battle for fun.”

Gary glanced at Ash, who just listened silently.

”She was the one who taught me to smoke”, Gary continued. ”She was eighteen, but she always said I’m something special despite my age. And I thought so too. I felt like it would work.”

When Gary kept quiet for a long time, Ash dared to ask: ”What went wrong?”

Gary’s blank expression changed into a cynical, almost bitter smile. He even laughed, in a way that was in no way happy, but cold and emotionless. ”I told Romy I loved her.”

Ash looked at him, not quite getting it.

”She said I was a good fuck”, Gary said to the ceiling. ”Nothing damn else. She patted my head and laughed at my face. ‘You’re so cute’, she said. ‘But you’re still so naive’. And when I left, she never even called me.”

Gary turned to look at Ash. The boy’s eyes were widened.  
”She”, Ash said with a dry voice, ”she was a jerk.”  
”She was a jerk I fell in love with”, Gary noted.

Ash swallowed. ”But... you can’t base your ideals on what one person did to you. She didn’t treat you right.”  
”No, I’m glad that she happened”, Gary said, with a light tone but no heart behind it. ”I learned that it’s a childish illusion to believe in such things.”

The black haired boy shifted a little. ”I... I’m not sure what to say.”  
”So don’t speak”, Gary replied sharper than he meant to. ”I don’t care. It’s over. The habit of smoking is the only thing left of her in my life.”  
”You told me about her, so she must have meant more than you admit.”

Ash’s response surprised Gary, and suddenly he couldn’t come up with an answer.

”You don’t _have_ to be alright”, Ash said. ”You’re allowed to feel bad about it.”  
”What the hell do you want me to do?” Gary snapped. ”Has Dora brainwashed you into this? Are you waiting for me to bathe in sorrow, crack in tears every once in a while and let everyone around me pet me and say ‘aww, poor little Gary’? Sorry, but I don’t intend to do that.”  
”No!” Ash shouted. ”Just sop being so cynical! If she was just a passing thing, then why are you so bitter about it? You’re not acting like yourself.”  
”What exactly do you think you know about me?!” Gary yelled back. ”I’m not the same person anymore.”  
”I know that even if you’ve become a researcher, it doesn’t mean the trainer Gary has completely vanished. I _know you_. What do I have to do to beat some sense to you?”  
”Why do you even care?” Gary scowled. ”You’re traveling around, I’m here. My life doesn’t concern yours in any way.”  
”It does!”

They stared at each other for a couple of long seconds, breathing heavily. Then Ash turned his gaze down, inhaled and exhaled slowly. Gary got up and picked his coat up from the floor, where he has tossed it earlier, glad for an excuse to avoid eye contact.

”What else?”  
”What?” Gary mumbled, trying to find a pack of cigarettes from the pockets of his coat.  
”You said you haven’t made good decisions with love involved.”  
Gary glanced at Ash, frowning. He had honestly no idea what the other boy meant.  
Ash looked composed again. ”Have you had anyone after her?”  
”No”, Gary grunted. ”I mean, yes, a few hook-ups here and there. Nothing close to a relationship. Why are you asking these –”  
”And nothing with Dora... or Jared?” Ash asked with a considerably quieter voice.  
”No”, Gary said. 

Then he stopped looking for the pack and took a closer look at Ash. The boy was looking at the floor, not meeting his eyes. Gary was confused by his questions. What had that to do with anything?

Then, for a fleeting moment, a flashback occurred in Gary’s mind; Ash, who had just arrived to the island, asking who Jared was. He had blamed his imagination for thinking Ash might be jealous; something he didn’t let himself believe in. Now Ash looked just as unsure as back then; as if he feared what he was going to hear.

”Was it me, then?”

It took Gary a while to come back from his thoughts. ”What?”  
”Was it one of those not-so-great decisions based on love?”

Gary froze. His thoughts ran, his pulse rose, but his body was still. His mind was going on overdrive with all that had happened and all that they had discussed; all the yelling, his career change, Romy. He was still so upset that he couldn’t quite wrap his mind around the sentence, let alone answer it. _Based on –?_

He saw Ash taking a few steps towards him, but he was frozen so completely that the sight barely reached his brain.

”I can’t get a clear image of you”, Ash said. ”You say one thing and do the other.”

Gary turned his head away and forced himself to look at the floor, so that Ash was out of his sight and he didn’t have to see the boy’s face. He tried to say something, _anything_ , but nothing came out.

Then, even though he hadn’t lifted his gaze, he suddenly saw Ash again; the boy was very close, too close, and he didn’t have time to even blink before Ash took a grip of the collars of his shirt, pulled him down and forced a kiss on him.

Gary didn’t move. He couldn’t. Ash’s lips were heavy and demanding, like he was telling he wouldn’t accept excuses anymore – but their movement was slow; he was waiting for an answer.

Then, for one fleeting moment, before Gary realized what he was doing, he felt himself opening his mouth. The kiss softened.

A second later, panic raised and he shoved Ash away. Without thinking, he pulled his fist back and let it move on its own. 

The fist hit Ash so hard on the face it made Ash swing backwards and thump against the wall.

*

The thump from upstairs cut through Dora and Jared’s consciousness.

Jared stood up. ”That’s it, I’m going to see if they’re okay.”  
”Don’t!” Dora yelled, also getting up.

Jared was already on his way towards the stairs, but he stopped to look at her. ”Why? I’m worried about them. Their behavior was strange today and now –”  
”They can sort it out all by themselves”, Dora said pleadingly, looking straight into Jared’s eyes. ”We don’t need to interfere.”  
”How can you be so sure?”  
”Let it be, Jared.”

Silence hung above them for a while. They heard distant yelling from upstairs. Jared glanced in the direction of the sound and then stared at Dora, frowning.

”Dora, what’s going on?” he asked silently.  
Dora lowered her gaze to the floor. ”I... I can’t say for sure.”  
”Then why don’t you let me go see what’s up?”  
”Because it’s important that they can figure stuff out.”  
”By fighting?”  
She just stared at the small table next to the couch and didn’t answer.

Dora didn’t have a way to explain it, but she knew neither of them should interrupt the boys. She wasn’t at all surprised at the aggressive sounds. For all she knew, the fighting could have meant things were progressing well. At least Gary showed emotions, finally. Being interrupted would probably be just another escape rope for Gary, and he had escaped his emotions for too long now.

”I’ll just do a quick check, okay?” Jared said, but didn’t move. It was as if he was waiting for a permission.

Crystal was sound asleep in her room and wasn’t bothered by the distant sounds; Dora would just have to keep Jared’s mind out of the things happening upstairs.

An idea formed in her mind; she reached to her glasses, slipped them off her face and put them quietly on the table.

It was not like she had never thought about this before. She had. She also knew how Jared looked at her when he thought she didn’t see. And it was not just on Jared’s side. She couldn’t deny that Jared was a great guy, and a tempting one at that; in any other circumstances, she would’ve let it happen. But as she was his boss here in Sayda, she had strictly decided to stay professional and not let desires meddle with their work. 

Gary’s recent implications had messed with the situation. It was becoming harder to not think about Jared in that way. To be honest, she had started to hope she got an excuse to fall already.

Now she was alone with Jared and had a perfect excuse.

”No, don’t go”, she said softly.

Jared looked at him oddly for a second, hovering, unsure what to do. Before he had come up with a way to act, Dora had already slipped her arms around the back of his neck and pressed her lips against his.

Jared’s eyes widened.  
”Dora, what are you –” he mumbled against Dora’s lips.  
”Don’t think”, Dora whispered.

So he kissed her back. Then he wrapped his arms around her, lifted her up and carried her onto the couch.

*

Gary’s breathing was irregular and rapid. He was clenching his fists, staring at Ash as if he could attack him at any moment, even though the boy just stood there and leaned to the wall with his other hand. The silent moment lasted for ages. A thin trail of blood run down from the corner of Ash’s mouth, dripping down and staining his white t-shirt.

Ash lifted his hand slowly, feeling his mouth and getting blood on his fingers. He looked at his fingers in surprise.

”Wow”, Ash chuckled with a hoarse voice. ”Am I that bad?”

That sentence broke the wordless tension.  
”What the hell did you think you were doing?!” Gary yelled, eyes flaming.  
”I just acted on your example”, Ash said steadily. ”Can you finally tell me, what the fuck is this ‘I-randomly-kiss-my-rivals’ thing that has become your signature move?”  
”I – I don’t – I’ve done it _once_ , years ago!”  
”And again just a couple of hours ago on the boat.”  
”I didn’t kiss you th–”  
”You were going to.”  
Gary fell in silence.

Ash straightened up and looked Gary in the eyes. ”You sure have guts”, he sneered. ”I have to say I haven’t had such an exciting day for a while. I’m not sure if I want to see what comes up next or not.”  
”Don’t just go and do things like that then!” the brunet barked.  
”You answered.”

Gary swallowed.

Ash felt his mouth with his fingers again.  
”That hurt, you know”, he grinned. _Grinned_. Gary felt shivers running down his spine.

”Why did you do that, then?” he growled.  
”I wasn’t actually expecting a punch”, Ash shrugged. ”See, _I_ didn’t hit _you_ when you decided to get physical in the Silver Conference, and you did a lot more than kissing.”

Gary felt his strength fade away as he looked at Ash. He felt embarrassing heat on his cheeks. ”I – you – you can’t just say things l–”  
”Oh, come on. Isn’t it about time we called a spade a spade?” Ash cut him off.

They stared at each other for a few long seconds.

”You should’ve”, Gary finally said.  
”What?”  
”You should’ve hit me back then.”  
”It’s not that easy to hit a person if they have their hands in my pants”, Ash stated snarkily.  
Gary blinked. ”When did you become such a depraved wise-ass?”  
”I grew up, Gary”, Ash said, smiling quietly. ”We’re not kids anymore.”

Gary watched the bloodstains on Ash’s white t-shirt. The shorter boy didn’t seem to mind them; he didn’t seem to mind much of anything that was going on. How was this so easy for him? Gary couldn’t even think about their past, let alone talk about it, and Ash just stood there and demanded straightforwardness. But Ash was right. There was no use in denying that the incident in Silver Conference played an important role in their confusing relationship.

Gary hadn’t thought much about righteousness back then; after watching the full moon and talking about their lives together in the middle of the night, his almost-fifteen-year-old body had moved on its own. With all the battle adrenaline in his veins and the uncontrollable hormones and lack of sleep messing up his mind, there had been no room for second thoughts; he hadn’t stopped to think if pulling Ash into a kiss was a right thing to do. Or tugging at his clothes and running his hands on the revealed skin. Or making him lie down on the grass and using his hands to pull heated gasps out of the both of them.

”What did you mean when you said you both regret it and don’t regret it?” Gary blurted out.  
Ash scratched his head and sighed. ”How do I put it? It was confusing. But it did no harm. In a way, there’s nothing to regret. It was just body contact, if you choose to look at it that w–”  
”That’s all?” Gary retorted before he could stop himself. ”Body contact? Confusing? Like ‘oh, Gary brought me behind bushes totally out of blue and accidentally fell on top of me, that’s funny’?”  
” _Let me finish_ ”, Ash snapped back. ”That’s just one point of view. Besides, you acted all normal afterwards, our relationship didn’t change. I had no reason to think anything earth-shattering had happened.”  
”Either I’m a lot better actor than I know or you’re just plain terrible at reading people”, Gary noted.  
Ash’s cheeks turned a little red, but he showed no other sign of embarrassment. ”You can’t blame me for not knowing something that you intentionally refuse to tell me.”

Gary avoided eye contact. He knew Ash was right, but it was too frustrating to admit.

”But it _was_ pretty damn confusing”, Ash continued, ”because before I saw you acting like nothing had happened, I thought it meant something. I thought it _wasn’t_ just body contact. I thought you didn’t touch me just because you wanted to _touch_ – but because you wanted to touch _me_. Which was it?”

”It’s – I don’t –”, Gary started, paused and realized he didn’t know what to say. Which _was_ it?

Body contact, in a way, yes – from some point on at his life, he had learned to think that physical intimacy didn’t mean anything emotionally. He had learned to think that sex was just a way to satisfy unavoidable basic human needs. He had had sex when he had felt like it, with whom he felt like doing it with, and there had been no real meaning behind it; it was just a thing people did just because they could. 

But he had never given any thought on _when_ he had started to think about it like that. And now that he allowed himself to think about it, he knew the turning point was Romy. All the others after her had been meaningless, but before her it had been different. 

Before her, physical touch had still been an expression of emotional affection.

”We can choose to forget about it”, Gary tried with a quiet voice, even though he knew what Ash would answer.  
Ash shook his head. ”No, we can’t. That should be clear to you by now.”

Gary absently remembered he had been looking for a pack of cigarettes a while ago, but he didn’t want to smoke anymore. The thought of smoking somehow felt ridiculous right now, next to the things they had brought up. He looked at Ash, who sighed and bit his lip, but stopped immediately as the cut on his lower lip hurt and dripped a few drops of blood again. Gary felt ashamed.

”Back then... I acted against my mind”, Gary said with a low voice. ”That’s what I meant when I said I lost to myself.”  
Ash looked at him carefully, but didn’t say anything.

”Being your rival was an obsession to me as much as beating me was an obsession to you”, Gary explained, his voice calm but his mind messy, his eyes glued on the floor again. ”You’re the one I was supposed to never show my weakness to. And I fought for it. But at the Conference, it was just too much and I couldn’t hold back anymore.”

He felt Ash staring at him. ”What do you mean?” the boy asked.

Gary gathered all of his strength and lifted his gaze to look Ash into the eyes. He knew his face reflected every painful thought in his mind, but he was too tired to care.  
”I had always told myself I’d never, _ever_ touch you...” he said harshly, ”but I lost control. You ended up being the one I showed my weakness the most.”

Ash’s eyes were wide and he looked like there were hundreds of questions in his mind, but Gary didn’t give him enough time to ask a thing.

”And as if that wasn’t enough”, he continued, ”you went and won the conference battle. So that’s when I realized it; I wasn’t in control of my role as your rival anymore. I couldn’t control my own doings, and I couldn’t control the battle. I lost it all at once and it was time to leave.”

He paused to give Ash a chance to say something, but Ash just stared at him, mouth slightly open.

”So”, Ash managed to say, his voice a little husky. ”Just to make sure I got it right... You had told yourself not to touch me?”  
Gary grunted.  
”So... You actually _liked_ me?” Ash added.  
Gary grimaced. ”How do you specify liking? I hated you. For being so... _you_. Always.”

Ash kept staring at him, expression resembling a Magikarp on dry land. ”I’m completely lost here.”

”I’m only starting to see it myself now”, Gary said. ”I’ve managed to lie to myself pretty well, too. But yes, that must have been it.”

Gary didn’t let himself think about what he was doing when he took some slow steps towards Ash, until he was so close he could’ve easily touched the boy, but didn’t. ”And you can’t just stop being attracted to someone if you can’t even admit you _are_ attracted to them, can you?”

Ash swallowed and cleared his throat. ”I... I don’t know. I guess you can’t.”

”Maybe that’s why it was so damn hard”, Gary said, lifting his hand and touching the blood drops on Ash’s chin lightly. ”Maybe I didn’t realize it wasn’t so much about quitting as a trainer, but quitting you.”

Ash didn’t move or speak, but he looked at Gary with eyes wide with wonder. But as Gary’s fingers wiped off the newest drops of blood, Ash blinked rapidly as if it was hard to keep his eyes open. Gary absently wondered if it was because Ash’s mouth was hurt or because the touch felt good.

”I kept telling myself I can’t”, Gary mumbled incoherently, eyes fixed on the mouth lightly swollen from the punch. ”I can’t, I shouldn’t. But then... kissing you and pushing you down felt like the most natural thing in the world.”  
”Why do you consider it weakness?” Ash asked with a quiet voice.  
Gary knew it was a rhetorical question. He stayed silent and let his fingers slide among Ash’s jawline all the way to his neck. The thoughts in the back of his mind were screaming at him; he heard the endless echoes of ”I can’t” and ”I shouldn’t”, but he didn’t want to listen anymore. He was too exhausted, too far gone. He wanted the echoes to stop. He wanted to stop thinking about weakness.

No-one had mattered to him after Romy. But Ash had always been different.

He pressed his slightly shivering lips against Ash’s.

He made it heavy and desperate, not actually sure if he demanded or begged for a response. In any case, Ash gave it to him. Gary felt weird hot waves swelling through his body as Ash opened his lips a bit and explored him, studied him, so softly it felt unreal. Such carefulness was strangely hard to cope with. Suddenly Gary realized he couldn’t remember when was the last time he had actually kissed anyone. With his hook-ups after Romy, he had always avoided any unnecessary gentleness, but headed straight to the main point.

Gary needed it to be rough, needed it to hurt, so he shoved his fingers into Ash’s hair and deepened the kiss, volunteering to drown in it.

Ash, in response, kissed him back and brought his hands up to his shoulders. Then he suddenly pushed gently and broke the kiss. Gary looked at him, breathing faster than he wanted to admit, waiting for the word ‘no’.

But Ash said nothing. He just watched the emotions storming in Gary’s eyes. The taller boy knew all of his thoughts were probably easily readable on his face, and it made him feel helpless. Ash could see it all; desperation, frustration. Yearning. Need. Shame, sadness and overpowering fear.

”Is this okay?” Ash asked quietly.  
”I don’t think I’m in any position to care anymore”, said Gary. ”It’s all fucked up already.”  
Ash leaned towards his neck, his lips lightly brushing over Gary’s earlobe. ”Well if that’s the case... What’s left to mess up?”

At that moment, Gary noticed Ash’s breathing was just as quick and irregular as his own. It sent shivers down his spine and made his pulse speed up.

But it also made insecurity hit him again. ”I don’t want to –” he swallowed the rest of the sentence. He just listened to Ash’s breathing next to his ear, silently praying for him to understand. ”I don’t want to hurt you again.”  
”I was never that hurt, just confused”, Ash said. ”You know I don’t get hurt that easily.”  
”Still...”

Ash blocked his attempt to speak by wrapping his arms around Gary’s shoulders and pulling him into another breath-taking kiss. Before Gary could even think, his body acted on its own, answering the kiss with all he had. It worked like Ash had planned; it was much harder to think about anything when Ash was biting Gary’s lower lip gently and then running his tongue over the bitten spots.

”This doesn’t make any sense”, Gary breathed out somewhere between hasty kisses.  
”When it comes to us”, Ash murmured, exposing his neck and shivering as Gary immediately placed his lips against it, ”what has ever made any damn sense?”

Gary couldn’t object to that, so he just concentrated on kissing and nibbling Ash’s neck and helped the boy’s strangely impatient hands to rip off Gary’s black shirt. Even after getting rid of a piece of cloth, Gary felt like his body just kept growing hotter by the second.

They were on the bed before Gary really realized they had moved. All he could wrap his mind around was their breaths mixing up with each other between kisses and Ash’s body under his, squirming, radiating heat. Then Ash gripped Gary’s hips with his hands, pulling him closer, and lifted his own hips to meet his, causing friction. The movement made them both gasp, but it also made reality crash into Gary’s mind.

”No!” he wailed out.

He pulled himself up and hovered over Ash’s body, staring down at him with fear in his eyes. Ash stared back. He was out of breath. ”What?”  
”It’ll just happen again”, Gary whispered. ”I’m just using you again –”  
”Using me? What on earth are you talking about?” Ash sounded almost irritated to hear such a claim. ”I didn’t stop you back then. I could’ve easily done it, but I didn’t. You didn’t force me into anything. What part of that sounds like using me?”  
Gary didn’t object, but he still felt worried. He stayed still, not sure if he wanted to retreat or keep going.

Ash touched Gary’s cheek gently. ”You didn’t use me and you’re not going to.” He looked at Gary with a hint of sadness in his eyes. ”You need to wake up.”  
”I’ve been awake for too much of my time”, Gary tried to utter a laugh, failing because there wasn’t anything funny about the whole situation.  
Ash didn’t even smile at that. ”I mean it”, he whispered in a serious tone. ”Wake up.”  
Gary leaned down to press their foreheads together. ”Don’t speak. Please.”  
Ash brought his arm around the back of Gary’s neck and waited.

Suddenly Gary flipped them over, ending up on his back and pulling Ash on top of him.

”G-Gary?” Ash grunted, trying to keep up. ”What are you doing?”  
”Being sure”, Gary mumbled, pulling Ash closer to his body. ”Being sure I won’t hurt you.”  
Ash’s expression was cautious but his body wasn’t. He panted out lightly when Gary pressed their groins together. ”Are you... Are you sure you want this?”  
”I am”, Gary said, slipping his hand between them and tugging at Ash’s belt. ”Are you?”

Ash’s hand joined the other boy’s, helping him to open up his jeans. Gary concentrated on kissing Ash and tried not to think about the irrational sense of guilt in the back of his mind. Ash’s hands were soon playing with the zip of Gary’s pants.  
”Last check”, Ash said with a low, hoarse voice. ”I’m not going to hold back... Unless you tell me to. Not after all this time.”

With that sentence, memories crashed into Gary’s mind. He saw the green of the grass and the black of Ash’s hair mix together; he saw Ash’s expression, confused, fearful, bashful. The boy’s skin under his fingers, the light shameful gasps slipping from his lips as Gary’s hands wandered around. The moonlight, tender enough to leave them hidden in shadows, but bright enough to let him see the glimmering in Ash’s eyes. The sound of the waving sea, not loud enough to cover the sound of their racing hearts; at least it felt like that. 

He remembered it as clearly as if it was happening right now – except the present was different in so many ways. There was his own bed sheet under Gary’s skin. This time there were walls and a floor and a ceiling to hide under. This time Ash’s gaze was not fearful but determined, wanton even; that was something he actually didn’t mind.

He wanted it. He wanted Ash so bad, right now. So why would he hesitate anymore?

”Whatever”, was still the best he could manage.

Gary wrapped his arms around Ash when the black haired boy’s hands made their way into his pants exactly like Gary’s had done to him a couple of long years ago. He swallowed a whimper as Ash touched him, his hands being suddenly, _finally_ everywhere.

The irregular rhythm of Gary’s breathing and the way his back instinctively arched gave him away; this was anything but ‘whatever’ to him. Overall, this was absurd; here he was, pressing into the touch of his childhood friend. After digging up things form the past and unblocking emotions he had blocked long ago, he felt like he could barely handle his senses anymore. But on the other hand, it felt too good to be a wrong decision.

”...to do more”, Ash mumbled incoherently.  
”What?” Gary stiffened for a second.  
”I want – I’m going to do more than back then”, Ash said. ”More than just hands. I... It’s not enough.”

Gary couldn’t come up with words for a little while. He wasn’t actually sure why; he wasn’t scared. Just surprised. The memory of them as childish, awkward teenagers was burned so deep into his mind he had forgotten the fact that Ash would grow up, too. He wasn’t the confused young Ash anymore.

Although maybe it was Gary himself who had changed the most.

As his surprised thoughts subsided, he realized Ash was shivering. Gary was awestruck by the sight. Ash wanted him so badly it made his body shake.

Without further doubts, Gary got rid of the rest of his own clothes, throwing them on the floor, all the while maintaining eye contact. After he leaned on his back again, the boy studied his face warily for a moment.  
”Just do something”, Gary couldn’t help grunting.  
Ash blinked in uncertainty. ”But, uh... You know it’ll hurt, don’t you?”  
”There’s lube in the bedside drawer.”  
Gary turned his face in the other direction when Ash leaned towards the drawer and rummaged it. From the corner of his eye, he saw Ash opening the tube and lowering his pants; then the boy leaned forward and kissed Gary’s chest as he stroked himself with a handful of lubricant.  
”It’ll still hurt”, Ash mumbled, running his lips across Gary’s chest, climbing up to his collar bone and nipping the skin of his neck with his teeth.  
Gary could barely hold back a whimper, but he hid behind harsh words. ”Do you really think I care? How slow can you be?”

Ash pulled up and looked Gary in the eyes. For Gary’s surprise, there was a smile on the younger boy’s face.

”I missed you”, Ash whispered quietly. ”The real you. The one who is able to say something like that even in a situation like this.”  
Gary swallowed. ”Just do it”, he then said, his voice as quiet as Ash’s.

He felt Ash’s hands on the back of his thighs, lifting them, changing their positions. In the back of his lust-stumped mind, Gary absently thought that Ash was still wearing the most of his clothes, bloodstains on his shirt. He closed his eyes.

”Gary, I’m...” Ash muttered. Gary didn’t quite catch the rest of the sentence as it was covered in heavy exhales. He was just about to ask Ash to repeat what he had said, but then in a flash, everything was suddenly white and hot and painful and he heard a loud cry.

Nails dug into the skin of Ash’s back and Gary’s eyes squeezed shut even tighter. The wailing sound continued.  
”Gary, a-are you –?” Ash panted.

Gary opened his eyes and realized the sound was coming from him. He bit his lower lip to restrain himself from making any more sounds. Ash was staring at him, doing his best to keep his eyes open and mind clear, even though it was obviously hard to not act on his urges. His body was shaking, but he just stayed still and watched Gary.

”What is it?” Gary growled.  
”Are you okay?”  
”Yeah. Stop talking.”  
”But if I –”  
”Stop talking”, Gary repeated.

Gary had known it’d hurt – of course it would, especially with no preparation and no earlier experience on being the receiver. But he just didn’t give a damn. He moved his hips, hoping the pain would slowly subside if they just kept moving.

Every kind of pain.

Gary’s movements forced an involuntary moan out of Ash and made him immediately respond with a slow thrust. Gary knew that Ash was at his limits and that if he was tempted even a little, he’d give in to his instincts, and that was exactly what he aimed for. He rolled his hips again. Ash bit his lip, groaned and began pushing.

With the steady movements continuing, pleasure started to make its way through the pain. Then Ash suddenly lifted Gary’s knees and put them over his shoulders. The next thrust felt indescribable.

An uncontrollable moan escaped from Gary’s throat and he covered his mouth with his hand. Ash reached up to lift the hand away, but as he touched Gary, he froze. He stayed still for a moment, a hand on Gary’s cheek and the other supporting the rest of his body.  
”I’m hurting you”, Ash said with a frightened voice.

Not until now did Gary notice there were tears pouring from his eyes.

”No”, he gasped. ”No. I mean, yes. A little. But it’ll pass. It’s just my body. It’s better to have my body hurt than...”

He turned his head away and let out a small, shaky voice, almost like a wave of laughter. Or cry. Ash couldn’t tell.

”Move, Ash”, Gary suddenly ordered. ”Hurt me. Pleasure me. Whatever. Just move.”

Ash stared at him for a second, then leaned down and kissed the boy’s lips gentler than ever before. ”I’ll fix you”, he promised with a whisper.

Gary, who had expected for something more rough and aggressive – passionate – couldn’t figure out how he should react to this gentleness. His head was spinning with the need to fight, the need to take revenge for every single humiliating tear. He wanted to yell and hit Ash again for making him feel so helpless. But instead he found himself gripping Ash’s neck just to be closer to him. Ash panted into his ear, and he just decided not to care about the word ‘should’ anymore.

Gary knew this time it was alright for him to let his cover fall. So he surrendered to pleasure and closed his eyes.


	6. Wordless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”I hope you won’t do the same old thing again.”  
> ”What thing?”  
> ”Acting as if nothing has happened. It’s troublesome, you know.”  
> ”I won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic was originally supposed to be six chapters long, and I thought the sixth chapter would be boring and that it would lack content, but nope! As I was writing the sixth chapter, I turned out to have a lot more to say than I had planned. So, I decided to split the last part in half. Just one chapter more to go. The end is near.

As Gary started to slip back into consciousness, his first clear thought was that he must have had slept for a long time. Usually he was too restless sleeper to stay in bed after the sun was up. Now the light was too bright for early morning, and that was not the only clue; he also _felt_ well-rested.

He opened his eyes slowly. Ash was there, leaning on one elbow, resting his chin against his palm and watching Gary.  
”Hi there”, the boy said quietly.  
”Hey”, Gary mumbled. His voice was equally low and a little raspy.  
”You slept well.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement.  
Gary closed his eyes and curled up under the blanket, trying to feel the rest of what was left of his sleep. ”Mmh.”

Then they said nothing for a while. Gary felt Ash moving a bit; when he opened his eyes again, he saw the boy had laid his head down next to his. Both their faces on the different edges of the same pillow, they studied each other in silence.

Gary had nothing to say. There was nothing that should’ve been said.

”It’s pretty late already”, Ash noted. ”About noon.”  
”Have you been awake for long?” Gary asked.  
”No. Just a few minutes. But I did catch a glimpse on your sleeping face.” Ash smiled a little. ”Why do you frown so much when you’re awake?”  
Gary shrugged. ”I’ve never paid attention to that. I guess it’s just a habit.”

He wondered if he should’ve felt awkward. Some part of his mind was saying he should be embarrassed after all the hateful words, pouring emotions and acts of weakness. But waking up like this didn’t feel weird at all. Seeing he wasn’t alone actually felt pretty good.

He wanted to say something, anything. He wanted Ash to know what an odd feeling he had; a sudden pleasant emptiness, instead of the strangling numbness from before. It felt strange and new, but not in a bad way. He didn’t have the words.

”You’re frowning again”, Ash said. ”Should I get out?”  
”No”, Gary told him immediately.  
Ash looked at him uncertainly. ”Then... Why do you look so troubled?”

Gary didn’t answer right away. So much had happened in the last twenty-four hours, his mind didn’t feel quite up-to-date about it all. How could he describe what he was thinking about?

Gary had slept well in the end, but it had first taken a while to fall asleep properly. For the few first hours, he had been slipping in an out of sleep, dreams about waking up alone making him startle every now and then. It was like his subconsciousness had wanted him to check if he was, in fact, alone. And every time it happened, he had seen Ash sleeping beside him. The sight was visible and undeniable, but it still wasn’t enough to silence the feeling of insecurity. So he had touched Ash gently each time he had felt insecure, just to be sure. Ash had been in deep sleep, breathing calmly, and his face had held no worries.

At some point, the dreams had finally stopped bothering him and he had fallen in proper deep sleep that had lasted until just now.

Now he wished they could just stay like this, lying on the bed together, for the whole day if it came to it.

”Let’s talk later. We should get something to eat”, Gary managed to say, sitting up. The blanket fell down his body, curling around his hips. He stayed there motionless, back slightly turned to Ash.

”Are you okay?” Ash asked cautiously.

”Sure.”  
Gary felt the mattress shifting slightly as the other boy sat up slowly, but he still didn’t move, or even look at his direction.

”I hope you won’t do the same old thing again”, Ash said quietly.  
Gary turned his head slightly and glanced at Ash from the corner of his eye. ”What thing?”  
Ash exhaled heavily, staring at the blanket, absently fiddling with the fabric with his fingers. ”Acting as if nothing has happened. It’s troublesome, you know.”  
”I won’t.”  
_I’m sorry_ was what Gary actually wanted to say, but the words didn’t come out.

When he leaned towards Ash, the boy lifted his head and looked at him in surprise for a second. Gary was oddly bothered by it. He knew it was totally reasonable for Ash to expect Gary would just go back to being distant, but he didn’t want Ash to be surprised about being close to him. Never again.

The kiss was light as a feather and lasted for a couple of lingering seconds. It was an agreement; he would not flee.

How could Gary ever go back to where he had been? As good as Gary was on hiding emotions, even he could never act like a lot of things hadn’t happened. He had stopped fighting. They had talked about things Gary had been determined never to talk about. He had given up on keeping up appearances and covering up any signs of weakness. There was no way of denying all that, and surprisingly, he felt calm.

And it had not been just talking; they had had sex. If someone had asked him a day ago, he would have said that having spontaneous sex would have been the worst possible thing to end up doing in their current situation. He would’ve thought it’d make everything even messier.

But instead, he felt like it had revised something inside of him. Sex almost wasn’t even the right word for it. The way Ash had been firm and passionate and careful and rough at the same time – Ash had made love to him. Not in a romantic, gentle, delicate way, but like a man.

 _I’ll fix you._ The sentence came back to Gary’s mind. He wanted to believe in it so much that it hurt.

”I’ll have to go to my room... I mean the guest room.” Ash rested his chin on Gary’s shoulder. ”I need a new shirt. The old one has blood on it.”  
Gary glanced at the said shirt. It was lying on the floor; Ash had thrown it away at some point. The red spots on the white fabric had dried and turned brown. Gary felt ashamed. He would never have thought he’d be a kind of person to act with his fists, but Ash had always drawn unexpected reactions out of him, in good and in bad. Especially in bad, apparently.

”I’m sorry”, Gary said quietly. ”I don’t know what got into me.”  
”It’s okay. I provoked you.”  
Gary frowned. ”No. It’s not okay.”  
Ash moved a bit, withdrawing his chin, placing his lips on the same spot on Gary’s shoulder. ”Yeah. It’s not. Consider never doing that again.”

Gary nodded and breathed deep, letting his senses concentrate on everything about this moment for a while, before he’d have to get up. The light didn’t quite reach the room through the closed curtains. He heard faint, distant sounds of movement and talking from downstairs, and the sound of Ash’s breathing. The other boy’s bare skin radiated warmth. His scent was familiar, comforting.

When they both had dressed and they went downstairs together, Ash followed Gary just half a step behind, occasionally brushing the back of Gary’s hand with his own. 

Dora and Crystal were in the kitchen.  
” _Finally_ you woke up!” shouted Crystal, a wide smile on her face. ”I thought you guys would sleep for-ever!”  
”Sorry, Crys”, Ash smiled at her.

Gary glanced at Dora. The expression on the woman’s face told the story; she had seen right through them. She knew something was different, and she was dying to ask about it. Gary just looked back at her without blinking an eye. He didn’t want her to say anything.

Once again, Dora understood. ”Jared is supposed to start preparing for our lunch soon, but I can bring out the breakfast things again for you guys”, she said briskly.  
Gary nodded, still looking her into the eyes. ”Thank you.”  
He hoped the woman had even the slightest clue about all the meanings behind those simple words.

Ash and Gary sat on the opposite sides of the table, neither of them really looking at each other. Now that they were out of the dim bedroom, before the eyes of others, things felt different; a bit more awkward. He glanced at Ash and met his eyes. Ash smiled a little, reassuring him.

Crystal came to sit next to Ash.  
”Crystal, you’ve already eaten breakfast”, Dora said, pouring coffee into two mugs and bringing them to the table. ”Let them eat in peace.”  
Ignoring her big sister, Crystal leaned her elbows on the table and asked with a bright, curious voice: ”Did you sleep together?”

Ash, Gary and Dora all flinched, looked quickly at each other and then back to Crystal.  
”Why are you asking such things?” Dora squeaked before anyone else could say anything, blushing on her sister’s behalf.  
”It seemed to me like they both came from Gary’s room”, Crystal insisted. ”Didn’t you get any sleep alone, Ash?”

All the adults in the room exhaled at once; it was like they had all been holding their breaths without noticing it. Of course the words meant a whole different thing for a nine-year-old girl than they did to grown-up people.

”I don’t get any sleep alone sometimes”, Crystal babbled on. ”It happens sometimes when I’m scared of something. Or if there’s something bugging in my mind. Is that why you slept in the same room?”  
Gary stared at his coffee mug in silence. Ash was glancing at him, looking for clues to how to react to this subject.  
”Crys, stop asking questions and let them eat”, Dora said again.  
”I’m just asking why –!”

”No, Dora, it’s okay”, Gary suddenly cut both of the girls off. ”Yeah, Crystal, you’re about right. Something like that. But it was me. I couldn’t sleep alone.”  
”So Ash helped”, Crystal said, looking sincerely delighted.  
”Well, yes, but it’s not that simple when you are an adult.”  
Crystal tilted her head. ”How come?”

Gary stayed quiet for a while, running his fingers along the handle of his mug.  
”You’ve got to like the other one pretty much, so that you can share a room together”, he said silently.

From the corner of his eye, Gary saw how Ash turned his head to look straight at him, but he didn’t lift his gaze. Dora stayed quiet, too.

But then Crystal cut the silence off again with a cheerful voice. ”So Dora and Jared must like each other a lot too!”  
Dora blushed. ”Uhh – we don’t – it’s not...”  
”But you’ve adults and you have been sleeping together too.”  
The red color on Dora’s cheeks spread even further. ”Crystal, you should not use those words like that. And besides, it’s not like that with us... I mean –”  
”But you _have_ been sharing a room”, Crystal noted, an honest concern written on her face. ”I don’t quite get this grown-up logic.”

Gary couldn’t help laughing at Dora trying to keep her calm. His laughter was contagious; first Ash started to laugh, too, then Dora cracked up too. Soon they were all laughing heartily, even Crystal, even though she wasn’t quite sure what they were laughing about.

*

After lunch, the whole group went out to pick up some fruits to feed the pokémon with. When Crystal dragged Ash to greet Aerodactyl, who was standing underneath one particularly tall tree nearby, Gary and Dora were left out of earshot. As soon as Ash was surely engaged in approaching the giant flying pokémon, Dora lowered her voice and asked Gary: ”What’s up?”

Gary shrugged, avoiding her eyes, but Dora could tell the difference. Gary wasn’t as tense as before, and he wasn’t frowning like usually.

”You talked, right?” Dora pressed. ”I mean, I couldn’t avoid hearing you were arguing at some point.”  
”We did.”  
”Talk? Or argue?”  
”Both.”

Dora’s eyes narrowed as she tried to understand the whole picture. ”I might have imagined this”, she said slowly, ”but it looked like Ash had a cut on the corner of his mouth.”  
”Yeah”, Gary laughed awkwardly, against his serious stance on the subject. ”I hit him.”  
” _What?!_ ”  
”It’s alright now”, Gary said. ”You can just forget about it.”  
”But you –”  
”We dealt with it. Stop worrying. And besides, I’m not in the mood to tell you about every single thing I do or say.”

To Gary’s surprise, Dora didn’t complain, but just smiled instead.  
”You keep saying those snappy things, but you don’t really sound like you mean them”, she said. ”So that must mean progress. That’s all I need to know.”

Gary didn’t know what to say. He watched Ash offering a fruit for Aerodactyl, who was glancing at him in alert and standing safely behind Crystal. The pokémon had learned to trust the people of Sayda Island and had even become good friends with the little girl, but he was still pretty wary and timid when outsiders were around – human outsiders, that was. He had instantly become friends with friendly Pikachu, who was sitting on his back between two strong wings even at the moment, but he hadn’t let Ash near him on the first days of the boy’s visit on the island. Ash had been patient and the situation had slowly become better. Now he was just standing still, letting the pokémon decide if he was trustworthy.

”This isn’t exactly what I thought was going to happen when I invited him to visit”, Gary let his thoughts flow out. ”It’s so strange. There’s been so much shit going on and now...”

Aerodactyl stretched his neck and picked up a fruit from Ash’s hand. Crystal poured a flow of praise; the giant creature relaxed and let Ash pet his neck.

”I was hoping we could get along”, Ash said softly, feeling the sleek gray skin with his hands. ”You don’t have to be scared. Just let me closer like this and we’ll be fine.”

Gary saw how Dora glanced at him, smiling knowingly.  
”Don’t you dare make some kind of a metaphor out of this”, Gary grunted with a low enough voice to be not heard by Ash.  
”I wasn’t going to say anything.”  
Gary snorted. ”As if you weren’t thinking about how Ash has broken through my ‘tough shell’ just like he did with Aero.”  
Dora smirked and turned her face away again. ”Those were your words, not mine.”

A group of the island’s Farfetch’d came from the woods and started bustling around them, waiting to be fed. Umbreon followed them, making sure each member of the flock was around and getting their share. Here on Sayda, Gary liked to keep Umbreon out of his poké ball at all times. The intelligent black pokémon had quickly developed habits similar to a herding dog’s, moving around and guarding and taking care of the island’s pokémon. 

Dora started handing food to the Farfetch’d, and Umbreon walked to Gary, waiting for praise. Gary petted the black fur and smiled. ”Good job, Umbreon.”  
Umbreon rubbed his side against Gary’s legs affectionately and then moved on, walking towards the group around Aerodactyl next.

”Just don’t make a big deal about the situation”, Gary suddenly said to Dora.  
As concentrated as she was on the pokémon, it took Dora a second to realize what the boy was talking about. ”Yeah, I wasn’t going to. But what _is_ the situation? Are you two friends or –?”  
”I don’t know”, Gary shrugged. ”We still haven’t talked about everything there is to talk about, I guess.”  
”So you didn’t discuss your current relationship yesterday after all? I thought you were talking things through.”  
”Yeah. We were at first, but well, things advanced.”

That just came out of Gary’s mouth without him thinking about it, but when it was out there, he wished he hadn’t said it. He glanced warily at Dora, who was staring at him in confusion. Then the woman read his uncomfortable expression and her whole demeanor changed. She raised her eyebrows; Gary felt his cheeks reddening and hated himself for that.

” _Oh_ ”, Dora said pointedly. ”You found something better to do than talking?”  
Gary glued his gaze on the sky. ”Not your business.”  
Dora just chuckled.

”What are you guys whispering here about?”  
Gary and Dora turned around to see Jared, who was walking towards them from the direction of the laboratory.  
”Nothing”, Gary said automatically.

Jared glanced at Dora. The two shared an odd long look that Gary couldn’t quite interpret. Dora was frowning; it was like she was saying something to Jared wordlessly, and Jared seemed to understand the weird way of communication.

”What’s up with _you_ two?” Gary asked suspiciously.  
Jared tore his eyes from Dora and smiled airily. ”Nothing.”  
”I sense a theme in here”, Dora couldn’t resist saying. When Gary took a closer look at her, he realized Dora was fighting an inevitable blush.  
”Something’s happened”, Gary noted, staring Dora down. The rising blush on the woman’s cheeks grew darker. Gary turned to look at Jared, who had an easygoing expression, but was twitching in a way that implied there was something else underneath that carefree appearance.

”Look who’s talking”, Gary raised his eyebrow at Dora. ”Could it just be that _you_ two found something better to do?”  
”What are you talking about?” Jared asked, even though Dora shook her head at him fiercely.  
Gary looked at Jared again, smirking mischievously. ”Did you have fun?”  
”W-what has she said to you?”  
”I haven’t said anything”, Dora exclaimed.  
”So there _is_ something?”  
”No.” As if to prove her own words wrong right away, Dora blushed. ”Can we just – talk about this later?”  
”Or not talk about it at all?” Jared muttered.

”Talk about what?” a fourth voice, a curious one, joined the conversation. They all turned around to see that Ash had left Aerodactyl and walked to them without them noticing.  
”Nothing!” Dora shouted shrilly and smiled briskly at Ash. ”I mean, don’t worry about it. Island stuff. Boring, work-related island stuff.”  
In the meantime, Gary also looked at Ash, shaking his head and mouthing ” _it’s not_ ” silently.  
Ash smirked. He didn’t know what the topic really was, but Gary’s gesturing had sent him the message and he didn’t say anything anymore.

”What’s next?” Ash changed the subject. ”Is there still something I can help you guys with?”  
”No, you just go. I’m going to head to the laboratory now”, Dora said with a friendly voice, visibly happy for the change of subject. ”I mean, if you guys wanted, we _could_ all spend time together. I can’t believe you’re leaving tomorrow – already, if I may say!”  
”No, go ahead, I don’t want to keep you from getting work done”, Ash said softly. ”I’d actually rather be alone with Gary for at least a while.”  
Gary glanced at Ash, surprised about his unabashed, gently spoken words. Something warm involuntarily glinted inside of him.  
Dora smiled at them both. ”Of course. See you at dinner.”

As Dora had gone, followed by brisk Crystal and oddly silent Jared, Ash turned to Gary. ”So, what should we do?”  
”You asked for some time alone. I thought you had a plan”, Gary said with an amused tone.  
”Nope”, said Ash lightly. ”I just want to spend time with you. Give me a tour.”  
”There’s not much you haven’t already seen”, Gary said with a faint smile on his face.  
”You can introduce me to the island from your point of view”, Ash suggested, while they started to walk deeper into the woods. ”Sure, Dora, Jared and Crystal have told and shown me a lot – especially Crystal – but you haven’t said much.”

Gary swallowed. Ash was right. Even though there had been good moments during Ash’s visit – moments when he had talked freely and enthusiastically about the life on the island – he still hadn’t been exactly hospitable. Most of the time, he had been sulky or at least quiet.

”I’m...” Gary started, but stopped then. How should he say it? ”I... I haven’t been the best host ever.”

Ash glanced at him. To Gary’s relief, Ash seemed to catch it; the apology hidden behind the roundabout words.  
”I’ve had fun”, Ash assured him. ”Besides, we have the whole day to spend on what we like, so you still have time to raise your host points.”  
Gary laughed. ”So what would please Mr. Tourist today? Our souvenir shop is unfortunately low on business.”  
”I think I’ve got enough souvenirs in my head”, Ash smiled brightly.

They both walked on quietly for a while. Umbreon and Pikachu had followed them without a particular command. Pikachu seemed to have great fun; he zigzagged in the bushes and climbed a tree every now and then. Umbreon walked ahead of the two boys like a proud pack leader. He seemed to treat the island as his precious territory. Ash followed the smooth steps of the four black paws with his eyes. It was surprising how much the pokémon resembled his trainer. Gary had always had that aura of pride and dominance in him – until just recently.

Ash stole a glance at Gary. He seemed to have changed again now, though. It was his posture, his expression and the words he used; he was more _Gary_.

Ash was happy to see Gary was better today, but something bothered him.

”Were you guys talking about us?” Ash blurted out.  
Gary frowned. ”When?”  
”Just now, when Dora said you were talking about island stuff. I could tell you weren’t.” Ash followed Pikachu’s movements with his eyes, even though his mind was elsewhere. ”Did you gossip about us?”  
”No”, Gary said. He thought about it and felt a bit surprised; ‘no’ probably sounded like a fib, but it was the truth. ”We were actually talking about Dora and Jared.”  
”What about them?” Ash asked curiously.  
”Dora didn’t admit it, but I think they shared some moments last evening.”

Ash turned to Gary. When he just kept staring, Gary realized something. His eyes widened slightly for a second. ”Oh. Right. Uh...” Gary bit his lower lip and leered at Ash. ”I’ve got to confess something. When you arrived, I lied. Those two weren’t dating. Even though I told you they were.”  
Ash blinked. ”But why did you –?”  
”I think they’ve been unconsciously into each other for ages”, Gary shrugged, avoiding Ash’s eyes. ”This was too great of an opportunity to let pass.” He grinned to himself. ”And it seems like it worked like a charm.”  
”So it was to nudge them further?” Ash asked.

Gary didn’t answer immediately. His gaze wandered on the scenery.

”Was it?” Ash asked again, with more pressure.

”Hmm.” Gary sighed. He didn’t want to answer, but he knew he would have to spill it. The last thing he wanted to do now was to lie some more. ”I also... didn’t want you to think I had something going on with either of them.”

Even without looking, Gary knew Ash was raising his eyebrows at him.

”So... You wanted me to know you were single”, Ash said plainly. ”There could’ve been easier ways, you know.”  
”Like what?” Gary huffed, a bit irritated. ”Like ‘hey Ash, welcome to the island, by the way I’m messed up but available’? Besides, I didn’t even think about it like that at the moment...”  
”How did you see it, then?” Ash grinned. ”Or rather, how did you explain it to yourself?”  
”Do we _have_ to talk about this”, Gary grunted, crouching. ”It wasn’t intentional.”  
”You _hoped_ I’d make a move”, Ash accused dramatically. ”From the very beginning.”  
”It wasn’t _intentional_ –”  
”Such obscenity.”  
Gary’s glare was ice cold. ”You’d better stop now if you value your life.”  
Ash laughed heartily. ”Alright, alright.”

They continued walking in silence. 

After a while, Ash glanced warily at Gary. ”You know I was joking, right?”  
Gary sneered. ”I’m not _actually_ pissed. Even though you have sure become too witty for your own good.”

Ash laughed. Then, without hesitation, he intertwined his fingers with Gary’s, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

Gary’s mind went blank for a fleeting moment, then it filled with mixed feelings. 

This was easy. This was natural.  
This was strange.

”Are we really the hand-holding type of a couple?” he asked, trying to sound calm and cool instead of tense and disorganized.  
Ash shrugged airily. ”I don’t know.” He took a cleared look at Gary. His grip of Gary’s hand loosened, but didn’t come off. ”Are we?” Ash asked. ”A couple?”

Despite the easiness of Ash’s presence, despite the tranquil morning, despite the laughter and the joking and the touch that frankly felt _comforting_ – Gary’s heart sunk.

It was irrational, uncontrollable. There was nothing Gary could do to the feeling of panic and uncertainty that crashed into him after Ash’s simple, honest question.

”Can we”, Gary managed to say, voice all dry, ”– can we talk about this later?”  
Ash visibly wanted to protest, but swallowed it down and nodded. His hand slipped away.

It could’ve led into an awkward, pressing silence, but it didn’t. Ash started to talk about pokémon instead. Gary could feel it was a bit forced change of subject from Ash, but he was nevertheless thankful for it. Even though he had spoken about liking someone to Crystal in the morning, he wasn’t ready to talk The Actual Talk with Ash just yet.

As Ash kept analyzing the differences in physiques between individual Farfetch’d, Gary could feel his anxiety melting off. He listened, nodded every now and then, and kept thinking about how amazingly well Ash read him. He knew he wasn’t comfortable speaking. He accepted.

In the most shadowy part of the forest, Gary caught Ash’s hand, leaned closer and kissed the shorter boy softly, cutting off in the middle of his particularly long sentence. There was a very short moment of surprise in Ash’s end, but judging by the immediate answer to the kiss right after, Ash didn’t seem to mind the interruption.  
”Thank you”, Gary mumbled into the kiss.

They parted. Ash looked up at him, eyebrows raised, a smirk on his lips. ”For the improvised lesson on Farfetch’d? Which, by the way, you probably know a lot more about than I do anyway.”  
Gary smirked, too. ”Yeah. For that.”

He let go of the other boy’s hand and continued walking with a slight secretive smile on his face.


	7. Painless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ”Gary, we have our whole lives to figure out things we want to say. And there will be new things we’ll want to say. It’s not like this, here, is our final stage. You said it yourself – there will be life after the ending credits.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It cracks me up that once, I always struggled to come up with 2,000 words for one chapter. Now I could just barely keep the chapter under 7,000 words, even though I cut out a lot of stuff. Heh.  
> Yeah, so. The end is here. I’ve often said that out of every piece of literature I’ve ever written, this fanfic is probably the most important to me. The idea has been alive since 2009. Pace that slow is actually pretty embarrassing, but at least I could take the time to make my baby as pretty as can be. I’ve spent hours and hours talking about the FIFI universe, time line and characters with my BFF; we know FIFI!Gary and FIFI!Ash so well by now that they’ve practically become parts of us. Now I will have to let that go.
> 
> If you survived this far, I’d absolutely love to hear your opinion of how I did. For those of you who have already supported me along the way, thank you. Your comments mean the world to me. ♥

”I’m glad”, Dora sighed contently.  
The laboratory door closed after her and Jared; Jared followed her to her work desktop. ”About?”  
Dora sat down on her chair and smiled more to herself than to Jared. ”Gary. He seemed to be a whole lot better.”  
”He was in a good mood”, Jared nodded. ”Do you think there’s any particular reason? Did he tell you?”  
”Not exactly”, said Dora. ”And it’s not a business for us to stick our noses into anyway. I’m just happy that Gary is finally in a bit higher spirits.”  
”Right.”

Jared hovered. Normally he would’ve gone into working without being told to, but now he seemed to be unsure about what to do.

”What about... uh... our business?” the man finally said.

Dora lifted her eyes from the papers on her desk. They stared at each other for a prolonged, timid silence.

Dora bit her lip. ”Jared, I...”  
”I don’t want our friendship to be ruined”, Jared said quickly.  
”Neither do I.”  
”It’s up to us. We can forget about it –”  
Dora frowned. ”What?”  
Jared stared at his toes. ”Last night doesn’t have to mean anything.”

Dora blinked. She tried to grasp what the blue haired man was trying to tell her, but couldn’t quite figure it out. ”So, you – you want it to not mean anything?” she asked, uncertainly.  
”No.” Jared’s response was immediate and was accompanied by a keen gaze straight into Dora’s eyes.

Dora suddenly felt a wave of strong affection crash over her. Jared offered her a way out, but didn’t really want her to take it.

”How would you choose?” Dora asked quietly. ”Did it mean anything?”

Jared smiled. A bright, affectionate smile, mixed with a hint of desperation. ”Damn it, Dora”, he laughed. ”I’ve been into you since the day we were assigned to work together. You’re strong, confident, but gentle – not to mention beautiful. You constantly amaze me.”

Dora felt a blush rising and turned away. But Jared stepped closer, cupped her cheek with his hand and turned her to face him. ”I didn’t dare to say anything. That would’ve been bad for our work. But I hoped... And couldn’t believe my luck last night when you kissed me. Out of blue.”

”But I don’t want to hurt Gary”, Dora spilled. ”He’s afraid of being left alone. Afraid of becoming the third wheel. He keeps saying he’s fine, but he’s broken enough as he is.”  
”I understand what you mean”, Jared said, running his thumb along Dora’s cheek. His expression was worried, but he still managed to form an encouraging smile. ”But you really should put your own desires ahead of others’ for a while.”

Dora swallowed. ”I want to”, she whispered.

Then she forced her emotions to subside, stood up and straightened her posture. Jared’s hand fell down from her cheek as she looked firmly at him.

”There are conditions. First of all, I’ll have to talk properly with Gary.” She bit her lip. ”I don’t want him to be hurt, but I don’t want to lie to him either.”  
”Lie about what?” Jared asked with concern.  
”Another thing: we are professionals”, Dora continued firmly, ignoring Jared’s question, ”and we are going to stay professionals. Which means... no cuddling at work. No sweet-talking at work. No disrespecting me as your boss in any manner. No slacking off. No apparent change in anything that happens at the lab.”

As Dora proceeded her monologue, Jared’s worried expression slowly melted into a relieved, enthralled smile.

”Yes”, he exhaled and instinctively wrapped his arms around Dora’s waist. ”Yes. You are my girlfriend, then?”  
”It seems so”, Dora smiled, but then took a warning expression. ”But Jared, we’re at work right now. You’re already breaking the rules.”

Jared gave Dora the most charming sly smirk he possibly could. ”I’m sorry, boss. I still have one request. As you are the undeniable authority of this place, I would like you to grant me a permission to kiss my girlfriend before we continue with our work. You see, she’s been my girlfriend for, like, ten seconds already, and I haven’t gotten to kiss her yet.”

Dora couldn’t help laughing. ”Just this once.”

*

The day went on its own. For the whole time that he spent with Ash, Gary was determined to push aside the thoughts of Ash leaving the island the next day. There would be plenty of time to swell in melancholy later.

After dinner, Ash stayed in the kitchen to help Jared clear the table. It gave Dora a wished opportunity to have a moment in private with Gary.

”I want to talk to you”, she started and pulled Gary into the livingroom with her.  
Before she could go on, Gary interrupted: ”I’m not going to give you details.”  
”No, no”, Dora shook her head, laughing lightly. ”It’s not that. I actually want to talk about myself this time.”  
Gary looked at her, mildly surprised. ”Oh? You’ve given up on bugging me about my personal stuff every chance you get?”  
Dora laughed, as she knew Gary wasn’t serious, and shoved his shoulder gently. ”Stop with that attitude! I’m trying to tell you something.”  
”Alright, then.” Gary sat down on the couch. ”What is it?”

Dora pushed her hair behind her ear. ”I know I said there’s nothing going on between me and Jared...”  
”I didn’t believe that for a second”, Gary intervened.  
Dora rolled her eyes. ”Anyway. There is something. We talked about it and... I know it’s always a risk to date a co-worker – especially your subordinate – but... There’s no denying the mutual attraction.”

Dora seemed to lose her original train of thought.  
”Are you trying to say you’re together now?” Gary asked bluntly.  
Dora stammered. ”I – we’re – going to try it out, it seems. Provided it doesn’t affect our work. Or bother you.”  
Gary frowned. ”Why would it bother me? Have I been too unclear when I’ve suggested you two should date?”  
”No, you haven’t, thank you very much”, Dora growled. ”You’ve made yourself very clear. The point here is, I want to make sure this doesn’t drive you to solitude. I know you feel lonely easily.”

Gary stared at his toes. He knew Dora had a point, and a good one at that. The truth was, even though he had personally driven the two together, the thought of Jared and Dora becoming ‘them’ together was frightening. Gary needed people, whether he wanted it or not, admitted it or not. He needed their little Sayda family to stay ‘us’ instead of becoming ‘them and me’.

”The last thing I want to do is hurt you”, Dora continued.  
”Yeah, I know”, Gary said. ”Thank you. You’re very considerate. But I don’t want you to worry.”

Dora didn’t seem convinced.

”I know I’ve been down”, Gary said quietly, staring at nothing. ”I admit it. And honestly, a few days ago I would’ve denied that I even feel lonely at all. But things are different now, and I’m trying to look at things as they are. Yes, I’ll probably feel like the third wheel at one point or another. But that’s life.”

Gary looked Dora in the eyes. ”And as of now, I intend to try to be a little more keen on life, and a little less keen on self-pity. I don’t know how that’ll work out and what’s coming ahead, but let’s worry about it when it comes.”

Dora stared at him for a few seconds, and to his utter confusion, her eyes filled with tears. Before Gary could even think, Dora had dashed towards him and pulled him up into a warm hug.

”Oh, G”, she gasped. ”This week has done wonders to you.”  
”Uh, I guess, but that’s no reason to cry”, Gary mumbled awkwardly.  
”I’m just happy for you”, Dora said, still hugging him tightly. ”You’ve changed so much. I feel like I can finally believe it when you say I don’t need to worry about you.”  
”Damn, this has been one messed up employer-employee-relationship”, Gary tried to lighten up the mood.

Dora laughed softly and let go of him. She smiled as he looked Gary in the eyes. ”Speaking of relationships, I’ve been seriously scared of leaping into a romantic relationship with Jared, because I know constantly hanging out with a dating couple is tiring for anyone. And you’ve had tough times. But now that you’re in a lot better terms with Ash... I’ll know you won’t be as lonely.”

Gary didn’t answer. Dora’s smile died slowly, questions rising in her eyes. ”Have I misinterpreted?”

”I don’t know”, Gary shrugged. ”Since the last time you asked, we’ve avoided the subject of togetherness.”  
”I should’ve guessed”, Dora sighed. ”Are you going to stop avoiding it anytime soon?”  
”So you can have clear conscience about dating Jared?” Gary asked dryly.  
”No”, protested Dora. ”So you two get to be together, properly, like you guys obviously want to. And – judging from what you’ve gone through together already – like you’re meant to be.”

Gary didn’t say anything to that. He really didn’t know how to.

*

They didn’t need to tell each other to go to the seashore after the sun had started to set; Gary just wandered down there, Ash sending Pikachu to play with Umbreon and following Gary without questions. They sat down on the shore, the same spot they had sat before, as if they had made a wordless agreement about it.

There were countless thoughts and unspoken words around them, between them, and they both sensed it. They were thoughts that couldn’t be left unspoken, but they both feared to get in touch with them. They sat watching the sea for ages, talking about unimportant things and nonsense and falling in perfect, peaceful silences and carefully circling around the subjects they knew they’d have to deal with. Reality seemed too heavy, too absurd. It was so much easier to cling onto the world they had lived in for today; the calm, comfortable world free of worry.

The sun sunk slowly below the horizon. During one especially long silence, Gary finally let his thoughts wander into the situation. He tried to get the whole picture now that it was becoming more and more futile to avoid it. The sun setting meant that the time was running out.

He still felt as if his mind had previously been a bucket full of tangled mess, which had now been emptied by one swift movement. What was left was the knowledge that Ash had torn him open and promised to fix him. But –

”You’re leaving tomorrow”, Gary blurted.

Ash didn’t answer right away. For a moment Gary thought the boy hadn’t heard him.

”True”, Ash then admitted slowly. ”I bet Brock and Dawn are enjoying a little break, but I can’t make them stay and wait for me any longer.”

That was all the progress they were able to make for a while. Ash stared into distance as if he couldn’t really notice Gary’s presence, and Gary’s thoughts kept running.

He hated to know that right when he had finally started to really get used to and grow fond of being this close to someone, they’d have to part. Ash had made him believe it was alright to break and fall. Now he was starting to suspect it again. How could he fall safely when the person who he wanted to catch him was gone?

”It’s all become quite complicated”, Gary sighed.  
Ash shrugged. ”Depends on your point of view.”  
Gary glanced at him sideways. ”What’s your point of view, then?”

Ash still stared at the sea. Gary was grateful for that in a certain way. It was hard enough to form sentences now; looking at Ash’s eyes while trying to come up with the right words to speak his mind would be even harder.

”In my point of view”, Ash said slowly, ”I just know a lot more now. I understand things I had never even thought about.”  
”But what are you going to do with that knowledge?” Gary asked, the sharpness of his voice surprising even himself. ”It’s easy for you to just leave and forget and keep going on.”  
”Who said anything about forgetting?” Ash asked. ”We can enjoy knowing each other better now.”  
”I don’t find this so simple.”  
”I’m not saying it’s simple. I’m saying I’ve been worried about you, but now the worries have become smaller.”  
”God, it’s like you and Dora are the same person”, Gary sneered. ”You both seem to think I’m cured now or something. Well, there’s still life after the ending credits, you know.”  
”What’s ending here?” asked Ash, trying to lean closer to Gary. Gary backed off from him, body language giving signals of rejection.

Ash stared at Gary, trying to get a grasp of what was going on in the other boy’s mind. ”Why are you suddenly freaking out?”

Gary felt bitterness wash over him and made an irritated grunt. ”Why? Because you’re not going to see the rest. You’re just leaving one hell of a mess behind for me to deal with. _I am_ a mess.” Bitter words flowed from his mouth; he felt like if he didn’t attack with the words, the feelings behind the words would attack him.

”That’s not true”, Ash said in a serious tone. ”I’m leaving, but it’s not like I’m going to forget all this.”  
”How exactly are you going to _‘fix me’_ if you aren’t even here?” Gary spat.  
” _First of all_ ”, Ash said with a fierce, unarguable voice. ”You’re not a mess. You’re confused. You’ve had a lot going on – and I’m kind of sorry for digging up your bad memories and making you go through all that. Except I’m not, because I have a feeling it had to be done. And it was worth it, because we’re here now, having this conversation.”

Gary stayed silent, eyes on the sand.

”And besides”, Ash continued, a bit calmer now. ”I’m not leaving you to deal with it alone. I’m going to see you again. We’re going to stay in contact.”

Ash’s demeanor relaxed. He reached to touch Gary’s arm; this time Gary didn’t resist, as Ash pulled him closer, their arms ending up entwined.

”Damn, do you really, honestly think I wouldn’t properly take care of something I’ve started? It’s not my style to abandon a person”, Ash murmured, leaning his forehead against Gary’s temple.

Now that Ash put it that way, Gary felt almost ashamed for thinking that Ash Ketchum, of all people, would forget and ignore another human being. Ash Ketchum, who couldn’t walk by a stranger in trouble and not stop to help them out. Ash Ketchum, who based his whole training style on friendship and caring. Ash Ketchum, who had never given up on anything.

Gary needed that optimism in his life. Gary needed Ash, and the fear of not having him in his life was killing him.

”It’s up to us to decide what’s going to happen after I leave, Gary”, Ash hummed.

_‘So you two get to be together, properly, like you guys obviously want to. And – judging from what you’ve gone through together already – like you’re meant to be.’_  
Gary wanted to repeat Dora’s words to Ash, but they didn’t just leave his mouth.

”I’ll come back to you, Gary.”

Ash’s words, calm and steady, pierced through Gary’s mind, and it took him a while to comprehend them.

”I’ll be back, I swear it. You’ve just got to promise you’ll be waiting for me.”

Gary felt his fear subside – not disappear, but mix with rising relief.  
”I’ll wait”, he said with a low, hoarse voice, threatening to break. ”For as long as you ask me to.”

As Ash kissed him, he felt like an overwhelming weight was lifted from his shoulders. Ash was saying the words he needed to hear from him. Ash was promising him time. Ash was asking him to wait for him.

”I’ll come back”, Ash repeated, not stopping with the heavy kisses. ”And you’ll come see me sometimes on my journeys.” His fingers tangled into Gary’s hair, lips still pressing and exploring and making Gary feel like there was absolutely nothing to worry about in the world. ”And when I come for a visit, you better make sure you have some new amazing prehistoric pokémon to show me!”

Those words somehow sunk very deep into Gary’s mind. It made him realize something; there actually was a future for him. It was not that he had intentionally doubted it, but he just hadn’t really given a thought for tomorrow for a long time. But tomorrow would come. And the day after that. And the day that he would, indeed, show their new great discoveries to Ash in the Sayda laboratory, and probably would be kissed in there just like he was kissed now.

”I promise”, Gary whispered.

Restless lips searched their way onto Gary’s neck. ”And I don’t know about your plans”, Ash mumbled between kisses on the skin, ”but I intend to not get physical with anyone but you.”  
Warmth was spreading inside of Gary. He suspected it was not just because of the trail of kisses left on the side of his neck. ”I’d like that. And I’d do the same.”  
”Sounds like you’re getting into a relationship with me”, Ash mumbled against his ear.  
”I’m not big on having titles for things”, Gary noted.  
Ash let his lips travel on the skin behind Gary’s ear. ”I know.”  
”Ash, I want you to know I – I’m sorry for our past.”  
”You have a weird persistency to keep worrying about things when I’m kissing you.” Ash pulled away and looked Gary in the eyes. ”Let the past be in the past.”

Then Ash’s expression changed. He was thinking about something; coming up with some kind of an idea. Slowly, he smirked, got up, took Gary’s hand and pulled him up too.  
”Unless you want to change a memory for better”, Ash continued his sentence.

Ash took Gary towards the forest’s end, to the part of the shore where sand and grass met.

”We both seem to remember it well”, Ash said quietly, ”but I think we have different views on the details. Let’s find out what you remember and what I remember, and fix the differences. Okay?”  
Gary was uncertain. ”You want us to talk it through?”  
”Not just talk”, Ash said with a calm, quiet voice. ”I want us to do it all again.”

Ash lingered, maintaining eye contact, his mouth only a couple of inches away from Gary’s. The brunet knew Ash was waiting for him to make a move. Five years ago, Gary had been the one who kissed first. If they were going to go over the memory step by step, Gary would have to act first again.

He was just confused. What had Ash meant by ‘different views on the details’? How were they going to ‘change a memory for better’? Ash wanted them to re-enact the night at the Silver Conference, but would Gary be able to do that – let alone enjoy it at all – with his guilt ghosting over him?

Then again, he’d find out by trying.

Gary broke their intense eye contact and leaned into a kiss, almost as demanding as back then. He had been acting without thinking, letting his built-up frustration and yearning take the lead. He had taken them both by surprise.

Ash broke the kiss gently to speak. ”I can’t deny I was shocked”, he shrugged. ”I mean, we had just had a deep conversation together and seriously bonded and everything, but I had no clue you wanted to kiss me.”  
”I didn’t want to”, Gary claimed. ”I just... did.”  
”I didn’t know how I was supposed to react”, Ash said. ”My mind was practically stuck on ‘what is he doing?’ and ‘what the hell should I do with my mouth?’”  
Gary chuckled softly at that.

”It was my first kiss”, Ash suddenly admitted. ”Did you know that?”  
”I had a hunch”, said Gary. ”I’m sorry I stole your first.”  
”Don’t be. Even at the beginning, when it was awkward and stiff, you made me realize why people want to kiss other people.”

Gary put his hand on Ash’s chest. All that was between the firm chest and the gentle fingers was the fabric of a white T-shirt. Five years ago, when they had stood by the lake under the full moon, Ash had worn a dark green one. It had felt just as thin to Gary’s fingers, warmth radiating from under it.

”I never knew how to deal with you”, Ash said. ”For so long, I had wanted to simultaneously punch you and get to know you better. I never craved to be touched – I didn’t know better. Then you touched me like this and kept kissing me, and my mind just shut down. It was nothing compared to everyday physical contact with people. If I’d known how it feels, I would’ve wanted it much sooner.”

Gary let his fingers run gently along Ash’s chest and stomach and thought about Ash’s words. Time had passed and as the actual night had become a faraway memory, Gary had also forgotten most of the positive sides of it. For years now, Gary had thought he had touched Ash without his consent, forced him to do something he wasn’t willing to do. But now Ash openly admitted that he had been confused, but also that it felt good. Maybe Gary wasn’t as awful person as he’d thought after all.

”I had no idea what to do with my hands, either”, Ash suddenly said. ”I knew I kind of wanted to return the feeling you gave me. I just didn’t know how.”  
Gary frowned. ”You were that panicky?”  
”I was overwhelmed.” Ash laughed softly, a little embarrassed to admit it even now. ”Virgins, you know.”  
Gary moved his hands onto Ash’s hips. ”That makes two of us”, he mumbled.  
”Overwhelmed or virgin?” Ash smirked, trying to keep up a light tone.  
”Both”, Gary sneered. ”I wasn’t too sure about that I was doing, either. That’s why I –” Gary stopped and swallowed, considering his words. ”That’s why I didn’t let you say anything. Even a second of thinking, and I would’ve chickened out.”  
Ash smiled softly. ”It certainly didn’t seem like that.”  
”Of course I couldn’t let you notice it, so I acted all high and mighty”, Gary rolled his eyes. ”Typical me.”  
”Typical us”, Ash corrected him.  
Gary knew Ash was right.

With the same kind of grip on Ash’s hips as he had had five years ago, Gary pushed Ash backwards until they were further away from the shore and closer to the end of the forest, all the while distracting him with the same kind of clumsy but passionate kisses. This time, he didn’t need to use his low, impatient voice to demand Ash to sit down between a few tall bushes; the younger boy did it on his own accord. Gary went with him, falling on his knees and pushing Ash down on his back, sitting astride on his thighs. Then he stopped for a moment, to take in the view.

In Gary’s memory, the grass patch and their bodies were covered by shadows. Moonlight had barely reached them; the bushes around them had blocked most of the light and protected them from being seen. Now there was more light. Ash’s cap had fallen and his hair had spread on the grass freely. His brown eyes seemed darker than in daylight, almost black.

”I kept a fast pace, because –” Gary couldn’t carry on with the sentence. The words weren’t that easy to say; his throat hurt as his voice refused to work.

He breathed deep, then forced the rest out. ”I... I felt like it was where I wanted to be. I didn’t know what I’d do if you opened your mouth and said no. How I’d recover from that.”

Ash looked at him carefully. Gary didn’t meet his eyes. He had never admitted weakness back in those days; hell, even now, Gary still liked to think he had always been an independent and confident young man. But a confession like this one easily shattered that image. He had been just a boy. A boy who had no idea of how to deal with being in love.

”And I guess you’ve lived these years believing that if I _had_ opened my mouth, it’d been a no”, Ash said with a simple tone.

”Of course”, Gary said, closing his eyes tightly. It was what he had honestly believed; if he had given Ash a chance to speak, the boy would’ve told him to stop. The thought had begun to hurt him more and more through the years.

”You know how I remember this part?” Ash asked quietly.  
Gary opened his eyes slowly, looking at Ash. The boy underneath him lifted his hand and run his fingers along Gary’s jawline.  
”Kiss my neck”, Ash said, ”and listen.”

Gary lowered himself to lie on top of Ash. He breathed lightly against Ash neck, noticing shivers, and dropped a kiss behind Ash’s ear. Ash exhaled, but said nothing. All that could be heard was the steady distant sound of the never resting sea. Air currents danced between the leaves of the bushes, making them rustle. Gary wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be expecting.

He let his lips meet Ash’s neck again. Ash’s breathing became equipped with small sounds.

Gary mimicked the memory of pushing his fingers into the black mess of a hair. He gave it a small tug. Ash breathed in sharply.

It was barely audible, but every time skin was kissed and hair was pulled, the lightest ‘ha’ came from Ash’s throat.

Now Gary realized it. Ash had voiced his will, just not by words.

Ash was a little out of breath when Gary pulled up to see his face.  
”I barely made a sound, but you heard it”, Ash said. ”And of course you had to look at me with a goddamn knowing smirk.” He chuckled. ”I was so embarrassed, and I hadn’t even gotten to moaning.”  
Gary sighed. ”Like I was any more composed myself. I shouldn’t have made fun of you.”  
Ash shook his head. ”No, you didn’t actually say anything. You just looked at me and smirked. My own thoughts shocked me as well, because I realized the only word to describe you right then was ‘sexy’.”

Gary was taken aback by those words and couldn’t come up with anything to say. Not that Ash really waited for an answer. He run his hands up and down Gary’s back as their lips came together once again. Gary reached down between their bodies and fumbled open Ash’s belt and zipper – suddenly remembering that even in all his fear, this had felt natural. Like he was supposed to do it.

A louder ‘ha’ escaped from Ash’s throat when Gary pushed his hand into the younger boy’s underwear. Gary remembered it; the sound, the flushed face, the reaction far more tremendous than he’d expected.

Almost immediately, Ash brought his other hand down from Gary’s back and to his crotch instead, starting to open his trousers.  
”You aren’t following the script”, Gary joked with a hint of caution in his tone. His hand had stopped. ”You didn’t do that last time.”  
”No, I did not, and it has always bugged me”, Ash answered without hesitation. ”I wanted to pay you back for the things you made me feel, right then, but I couldn’t.”  
”Why?”  
”Because your touch was too much”, was the simple answer. Fingers slipped into Gary’s pants. ”Too good. I was helpless. I wanted to pay you back for the things you made me feel, but I didn’t know how to touch someone else. And I didn’t have enough courage to just try it out. I didn’t want it to become a disappointment.”

Gary hissed lightly when Ash’s fingers run against him.

”You had to take care of yourself while you treated me...” Ash growled. ”But now I have a chance to do this right.”

After those words, Gary pushed both his and Ash’s pants down, breathing a bit irregularly. ”To be honest, anything would’ve been alright”, he admitted. ”Though I was kind of glad you didn’t dare to touch me. It would’ve been over way quicker. Just the fact that I had you there and was able to watch you...”

Gary’s hand went back on Ash and moved again, with slow, steady movements. Ash exhaled sharply and paid the treatment back. Two bodies, grown taller and stronger over the years, tensed against each other. Arched. Moved together.

Ash looked up at Gary, eyelids barely open. He remembered that five years ago, he had looked at Gary and thought Gary’s silhouette against the full moon wasn’t something he’d expected to find himself seeing. But the sight was pretty.

And when Gary wrapped his fingers around both their hardnesses as well as he could reach, Gary made a clear ‘ha’, too. Ash had heard the same sound five years ago at this same point, repressed, but piercing. Today, the sound was deeper, heavier, more open.

Gary’s mouth traveled on Ash’s neck, then brushed over his cheek and crashed against Ash’s mouth.

Foreheads were pressed together.

Heat built.

_This is how it felt_ , Gary thought feverishly. It was far better than he had remembered.

Last remains of a bad memory faded. The moment was all that was left.

Ash jolted like he was hit by a thunder shock. The fingers tightening around Gary’s member, added to the sound and sight of Ash coming, made Gary follow right after.

*

Morning came and brought bright sunlight along. The house started to come alive again, with light chatter, clanking of the coffee mugs and pokémon paws on wooden floors.

The sun peeked through the curtains of Gary’s room, but the two young men under the covers didn’t care about it. Light and sounds weren’t enough to pierce through their world. Pikachu came over at one point and tried to urge them to get up, but gave up when the boys didn’t react. This morning was theirs, and they’d take their time.

They shared lazy conversations and thorough touching; words weren’t as important as the warmth, the feeling, the scent of the person in their arms. Gentle kisses and comfortable silence made them forget about time.

When they finally decided to leave the bed, Gary stayed in his room for a minute after Ash had gone downstairs. He looked for a certain item in his room; he hadn’t used it for years, but he knew he hadn’t tossed it away. He searched through the boxes full of his old stuff. Pictures. Gym badges. Handwritten statistics of all of his pokémon from the time he was still chasing league championships. League diplomas. A lot of things that proved he had been a successful pokémon trainer – things he hadn’t touched for a long time.

Finally, he found a small velvety bag, tied with a thin red string. For a second, he stopped to think. Part of him thought this was a stupid idea. Then he shoved the thoughts away and the bag into his pocket, leaving the room to join Ash at a late breakfast.

*

A few hours later, Ash dropped his full backbag on the hall floor and smiled at the Sayda crew.

”Do you really have to go?” Crystal whined and kneeled down to pet Pikachu. ”Pikachu and I have become such good buddies.”  
”Sorry, Crys, but the journey awaits”, Ash smiled and ruffled Crystal’s hair. ”I have a long way ahead.”  
”Half an hour until your boat ride comes, huh?” Jared asked, glancing at his wrist watch. ”How are you going to travel to Sinnoh after you get to the mainland?”  
”By plane, just like I did when I came here.” Ash stepped towards Jared and shook his hand in a firm, friendly, very Ash-like way. ”It’s been nice to get to know you.”  
”Likewise.”

Ash turned to face Dora. ”I’m happy I had a chance to see what happens at an actual fossil research lab”, he said sincerely. ”Your work here is amazing.”  
Dora waved her hand airily. ”Oh, it’s all because I happen to have such a great team working for me.”  
”That’s true”, Ash agreed, smiling briefly at Jared and Gary. Gary stood a distance away, leaning against the outdoor frame.  
”It’s been so nice having you here, Ash”, Dora said cheerfully. ”You’ve brought colour to our little island family.”  
Ash was going to shake Dora’s hand, but Dora pulled him into a warm hug instead.  
”And what’s most important, you’ve brought colour back to Gary”, she whispered so quietly that nobody else but Ash could hear her. ”He needed you. So thank you.”

Gary noticed Ash seemed a little abashed when Dora let him go; his cheeks had a hint of red on them. He didn’t know what Dora had said to him, but could guess. Gary kept standing quietly, hands buried deep in his pockets, until Ash lifted his backbag, said the last byes and walked to him.

”Let’s go.”

Without saying a word, the two walked to the northern end of the island with Pikachu and Umbreon following them, to the shore where they had shared many important conversations and experiences in just a few short days. The platform board made a soft creak under their steps. The usual sea wind wandered around and played in their hair like it always did, but it wasn’t as restless as it had been five days ago.

Ash looked at Gary. The younger boy didn’t look sad; maybe a little wistful. But mostly he seemed curious as he was waiting for Gary’s next words. Ash didn’t seem to have a worry about future. He was full of trust.

”I want you to have something”, Gary said silently. ”This may kind of lean too far into the category of lame sappy clichés for my liking, though.”  
”Alright”, Ash said, a little amused.  
Gary pulled the velvety bag out of his pocket and handing it over to Ash. ”I considered my half of the poké ball we fished up when we were kids, but well – you already turned it down once and told me to hold onto it, so...”

Ash carefully studied the bag before pulling gently on the red string tied to keep the bag closed. It opened and revealed Gary’s old yin-yang necklace.

”It’s not like I use it anymore”, Gary grunted, not wanting to seem too sentimental. ”And it’s not like I want to be who I was when I wore that. You take care of it.”

Ash just stared at the necklace. A quiet smile slowly climbed on his face. Then he lifted his eyes up from the item and looked at Gary.  
”Boy, this brings back memories”, he said lightly. ”I never would’ve thought this would end up in my hands one day. Thank you.”

Gary felt like he had just breathed after holding his breath for a long while. He had been afraid that a gesture like this would become too obviously romantic. That it would become awkward. That it would be too _relationship_ -y. But Ash didn’t make a scene out of it.

Now that Gary thought about it, he should’ve known Ash loved sentimental mementos, were they romantic gestures or not.

Then again, the thought of being afraid of sentimentality seemed ridiculous opposed to the fact that this was goodbye.

”I guess I can trust that even if I don’t have anything to give to you, you won’t forget me”, Ash said with a light tone.

Gary tried to smile, but he felt like his face didn’t obey his will. Even though what Ash was saying was a joke, the answer felt dead serious to Gary. Of course he wouldn’t forget. He couldn’t forget. No person in their right mind could possibly forget about someone so influential, so important.

Someone so beautiful.

”I have a feeling I should say some deep and meaningful things at this situation”, Gary said with a little hoarse voice. ”But I really don’t know what to say.”  
”You don’t have to say anything just because it feels obligatory”, Ash said.  
”But I need to”, Gary said, suddenly frustrated. ”I think I have a million things to say to you. I don’t know where to start. And this is the last chance.” His voice broke slightly and he bit his lower lip to calm down. ”If I don’t say it now, it’ll be too late.”  
”Too late?” Ash repeated, putting his hand on Gary’s cheek, like it was very natural to him. ”Gary, we have our whole lives to figure out things we want to say.”

Gary leaned into Ash’s touch, concentrating on the caress.

”And there will be new things we’ll want to say”, Ash continued. ”It’s not like this, here, is our final stage. You said it yourself – there will be life after the ending credits.”

Suddenly, Gary remembered how uncertain he had been five days ago on this platform. He hadn’t been sure how to handle Ash’s presence, but he had hidden it as best as he could. Now he wasn’t sure how to handle Ash leaving. Emotions were threatening to take over. But for once, he knew it wasn’t a bad thing. He dared to feel.

And damn, did he feel.

Gary wrapped his arms around Ash, pulling him close, like being close to him like this now would make their future more certain. He needed that badly – a future, something to hold on to. He didn’t know how to phrase it all to Ash, but in his mind and with this embrace, he promised to have faith in the tomorrow. He’d work and see the world and enjoy everything life had to offer him. He’d get better. For Ash.

”Remember what I said, Gary”, Ash said, chin on Gary’s shoulder and face pressed against his hair. ”You’re not a mess. We’ll stay in touch. We’ll meet.” He turned his head slightly to drop a kiss on Gary’s jaw. ”I will come back to you.”

Kisses, hard and needy kisses; kisses that begged.

Slow and thorough kisses; kisses that assured.

Light and loving kisses.

Short minutes, until a boat appeared on the horizon. For a little while, they stood silent, both looking at the boat slowly approaching.

Gary knew he wanted to say it. Wanted to use the heavy word he hadn’t believed in for a long time. He swallowed, took a long breath and opened his mouth.

”Ash, I –”  
”I know”, Ash cut him off with a soft tone.

It took Gary by surprise. ”But you don’t know what I was going to say.”  
”I do.” Ash turned his gaze down to the platform, suddenly timid. ”Because I was going to say the same to you.”

The boat was now so close that the driver could be seen waving at them, but neither of them looked. Ash kept his eyes down. Gary couldn’t quite comprehend what Ash had said. He could only stare at Ash’s eyelashes; he wanted to see Ash’s eyes to see the feeling behind his words.

”Y-you were?” he asked quietly.  
Ash looked up.

There it was. The familiar, fascinating depth of Ash’s brown eyes. Ash’s eyes were always full of feeling, full of spark, giving away everything Ash felt. And now they were glowing with something Gary hadn’t seen in them before. Something that made his heart feel like it was filling up with warmth.

”I mean... You do?” Gary re-phrased the question.  
”Of course I do”, Ash said.

The boat slowed down and steered towards them, until it stopped next to the platform they were standing on. The driver talked cheerfully, but it took several long seconds before Gary could tear his eyes from Ash and answer to the guy.

Pikachu nudged affectionately against Umbreon, received last pets from Gary and jumped aboard. The driver took Ash’s bag. Ash stopped before following to give Gary one last look.

Gary managed a casual smile. ”You know where you will find me.”

When the boat drove away, Gary stood on the platform long after the vehicle had disappeared into the horizon. He didn’t feel half as empty as he had thought he’d feel. Ash was right. This wasn’t the end. This wasn’t their final stage. Who knew, maybe one day they’d come to a point where they could be together at all times, in whichever part of the world they wanted to.

For now, anyway, they had their separate ways. That didn’t mean separate lives. It wouldn’t be easy to maintain what they had built together while one was working in Kanto and the other was travelling miles and miles away, but they’d manage. He had no doubt about it.

For now, as long as he’d have to, he’d carry on with his life until they could meet again.

_Someday he’ll be back._

_And I will be here waiting._


End file.
